Fears that pig’s head will reanimate and testify against British man intensify

PORKING NEWS : The Bullingdon Club alumni are reportedly in lockdown today at a secret club location in Mayfair, London, after a news story put the fear of God into what passes for their hearts.

”David, Boris, Michael, Beelzebub and many others are rumoured to have taken to a secret, subterranean chamber, in tails and bow ties, and are said to be feverishly porking. I mean poring frantically over the ancient texts of their order to determine which counter spell to cast to defeat the magical assault of science against the order.”

The panic appears to have been caused by a story in the news cycle today regarding scientists bringing a pig’s brain back to life long after it was presumed dead.

”It’s a bloody worry, I don’t mind telling you,” a source inside the order told LCD Views, “if those pesky nerds get old Florence out of the formaldehyde and hook her up to whatever gizmo they used to get the other pig’s head spilling the beans, well, the entire future of the Conservative Party could be at stake. Whereas right now it’s totally secure.”

But it’s not only the inheritance millionaire set that have been put into a flurry of worry.

”HarperCollins will have to get Dave to rewrite the early chapters of his memoir if that blasted bit of pork starts talking and the book is late enough as it is,” our literary correspondent says, “not to mention the pressure on the Royal Mint to print enough new fifty pound notes.”

But what does the Mint have to do with it? The former British prime minister concerned isn’t on any banknotes.

”That’s not the worry. The concern is how many fifties the club members will burn in front of lowborn types as they attempt to gather energy from the ether to cast their counter spells. At least Dave has already successfully finished his career as prime minister or Lord only knows what sort of damage any revelations to come would have done to his reputation. Which right now of course, is perfectly secure.”

Hate speech ban ‘advisory’, says BBC

A well-known social media giant has taken the unprecedented step of banning far-right organisations and individuals. Will the BBC follow suit? Not according to latest information, which suggests that the BBC thinks the action is ‘advisory’.

BBC spokestory Freda Sayanything was on hand to offer false equivalence. “Here at the BBC we must ensure balanced reporting,” she explained. “Therefore any moderate voices must be paired with extreme ones. Intelligence must be paired with stupidity. Soft Brexit paired with Hard Brexit. Need I go on?”

No, we get the picture, but it’s validating the message of hatred, racism and even fascism that these individuals promote, which is the problem.

“Your opinion is welcome,” she replied. “However, in the interests of balance, we must also push the opposite opinion, with great force if necessary. There are two important reasons for this.”

Please go on…

“Firstly, and most importantly, the BBC receives funding directly from the government,” she said. “He who pays the piper picks the tune. And secondly, if we accepted the ban, where would the panel and audience for Question Time come from?”

Fair point.

Sayanything revealed that, since far right-wingers will now be unable to do their far right-whinging on social media, an opportunity has opened up. The BBC will be happy to cream off some of the dark money funding the extremists, in return for transforming Newsnight into a profitable BBC facsimile of Breitbart.

“Advisory means advisory,” she concluded. “Advice. You can take it or leave it. Like it or lump it. Leave It means Leave It.”

Reports are emerging that the people running the EDL, Britain First and the like, have been forced out of their bedrooms. They have organised a real-life meet-up, known cruelly as the ‘gammon gathering’ or the ‘meat market’. Unfortunately, due to the social media ban, they have had to communicate using actual written letters. The Royal Mail has reported receiving a large number of illegible handwritten envelopes without stamps, which may or may not be a coincidence.

There is one piece of good news. The ban means Tommy Robinson will have to put down his phone, stop his insecure self-righteous ‘activism’, and get a proper job.


Gammon chunks glue themselves to butcher’s shop to protest social media ban

BROKEN : LCD Views can report the scoop today that Gammon First leaders have glued themselves to a butcher’s shop to protest a social media ban.

”It’s not on,” one salty mouthpiece hollered, “well I am, on the butcher’s shop window, but the silencing of my lie strewn hate and bigotry will not stand. And if the cramps in my legs get any worse, neither will I.”

While the ban on the groups and individuals has been welcomed by many, concerned that social media platforms have done little thus far to curb the propaganda that is fuelling a social climate similar to the 1930’s, some have confessed concern as to the unintended consequences of the ban.

”I’ll have to share a lot more cat memes,” one avid far right page follower sighed, “and I’m not sure there’s enough new ones to go around.”

There is also concern that people may start viewing others with less suspicion.

”I might have to try taking to people who look different to myself,” another worried, “without the constant reinforcement of stereotypes and misrepresentation of ‘others’ I could accidentally discover that people are just people. Years of my life may have been wasted. It’s not on.”

The effectiveness of the butcher’s shop protest has also been called into question. It appears to have had nowhere near the success of the climate change ones.

”People are just asking the butcher how much for a pound of the gammon in the window?” a disgruntled hatemonger moaned, “and my sunburn looks like turning into cracking. Someone rub some more salt in!”

Another unintended consequence maybe the severance of lucrative funding streams made possible by the social media platforms.

”I might have to get a real job?” little Tommy fumed, “and that is really not on!”

UK now in the grip of Rigor Maytis after zombie government allowed to limp on too long

Fears that the cold hand of a dead premiership will be latched onto Downing Street for years to come today after PM Theresa ‘Maybe Maynot Maybot’ May declared she’s still staying to deliver Brexit, essentially declaring herself PM forever.

“And there’s not a god damn thing you can do about it,” the PM is believed to have told a meeting of the 1922 committee early this morning, “try as the completely rabid and derelict membership might.”

The meeting was an impromptu one held on the side of a cliff edge in Wales, where Ms May is holidaying over the Easter break, with senior members of the committee clinging to an uneven rock face like mountain goats.

It’s presumed Ms May hoped more than one would fall off, which given the advancing age of her party was highly probable.

”I’m here till October 31st,” May added, “because there’s Buckley’s chance of getting a deal through that salvages anything from the wreckage. This is because Corbyn wants wreckage to build a new world order on, bordered by England and powered by complete state control (got to leave the EU) to smash the temples of the moneylenders. I just want to stay in office. During October I will be applying for another extension to Article 50. And you just see if there’s enough of you left alive in December to do anything about me.”

She is believed then to have spent the rest of the meeting dragging herself lamely about repeating just one word, ‘brains’, a facility her government seems to be completely without.

We turned to our expert Doctor of politics for comment.

”The government is suffering from a condition known as Rigor Maytis,” Doctor Politics diagnosed, “it begins as a syndrome known as lame duckitis, and worsens from there. If it wasn’t for the fixed term parliament act making general elections harder to call, we probably would have cured ourselves by now.”

And whose idea was the fixed term parliament act again?

”David Cameron. The fffing muppet.”

Dyson unveils Brexit machine powered by his own hypocrisy

Up and coming Singapore domiciled, patriotic British ex-pat for corporate tax purposes and total whiz kid, James Dyson, has unveiled his latest version of his now famous Brexit machine.

”I’m going to install one in every Wetherspoons,” Dyson told reporters forcibly assembled at the manufacturing plant far to the east of Old Blighty, “and the punters will cheer it even as it sucks the bacteria off their palms and sprays it high into the closed atmosphere, to settle slowly, like invisible snowflakes, in their drinks.”

The machine, which has a casing made from pure Farage, has no visible working parts but is believed to be powered by one of the most eye catching of human failings.

”One hundred percent my own standards,” he said, “total hypocrisy. You could probably actually power the entire United Kingdom with it. I’ve a lot stored in a special Dyson battery that I use to campaign for Brexit while cashing EU regional development funds. Oh, and while bigging up what a great business and investment environment post Brexit U.K. will be while continuing to export tax take and employment to a more lenient atmosphere.”


The Brexit machine also has another purpose and one that the inventor is exceptionally pleased with.

”It sucks,” he declared with a big grin, “most of my inventions suck. At least according to an unofficial survey of people who comment online after grasping the depths of my hypocrisy. But there’s another function too.”

Which is?

”It hoovers in money. From a rules based trading union to build a great big bloody water feature on my English estate that I could easily have paid for myself, if I cared two hoots.”

The Dyson Brexit machine. It promises to make a resurgent far right and Nigel Farage happy, and no English potatriot can ask for more than that.

Gardener in Leicester believes he has found the bones of a king

A middle-aged Leicester man digging his garden has unearthed what he believes to be royal remains. The evidence, he says, is irrefutable.

LCD Views’ Bloody Hell, Something Has Actually Happened In The East Midlands correspondent was dispatched to investigate.

First stop, the home of the excited man, Doug Ahole. “I was digging up a patch of nettles, when I discovered this bone,” gasped Ahole. “First, I found some of my son’s old toy cars on the ground. Under them, in the ground, was the bone. Everyone knows kings are buried under car parks!”

Ahole immediately stopped digging and covered the area in plastic sheeting to prevent damage from the weather. The bone was placed into the custody of the University’s archaeology department. Pleased with his prompt actions, Doug summoned his wife to make him a brew and a cheese cob.

Doug’s wife, Phyl, was not impressed. “You need to get those nettles out sharpish,” she said. “I’ve got bedding plants to put in. Do the weeding, fill the hole and stop mithering, or you can make your own cheese cob!”

Ahole by name…

We contacted Leicester’s head of publicity, Lou Sing-Battle, for comment. “We are going to build another cathedral to house the bone,” said Sing-Battle. “And convert Mr Ahole’s house into a visitor centre. And get experts from all over the world to confirm that the bone belongs to a king, and not to some poor sheep that died there before they built the housing estate.”

Sing-Battle was at pains to point out that Leicester was famous for more than a dead king and a freak Premier League title. “Yeah, there’s old buildings, and a market,” she said. “And shops. Lots of shops. The new bus station is quite nice. Yeah.”

The city uses the slogan “Two dead mediaevals and one League title!” to attract visitors. The search for the second dead mediaeval, Cardinal Wolsey, continues apace.

Car parking space in Leicester is almost impossible to find.

When viewed from space U.K. now entirely covered by carpet

LCD Views can exclusively report this morning of an alarming new series of photographs of the United Kingdom, captured from space, released by scientists aboard the International Space Station.

“We were so taken aback we had to drop anchor,” Captain Penny Rocket said, calling on a secure landline from orbit, “we stayed over the United Kingdom for a full twenty four hours to observe the phenomenon. We were hoping it was a visual trick of the light spectrum, or perhaps a new type of cloud previously unrecorded. But that wasn’t so.”

What did you decide it was?

“Is. It’s still there and shows no sign of shifting.”

But what is it?

”Exhaustive analysis of our polaroids , taken in black and white and colour, reveal a giant carpet. It’s almost as if the entire country has been swept under it in order to conceal a massive network of interconnected political criminality.”

So basically you not telling us anything we don’t already know?

”You know Vote Leave broke the law? And that if the referendum wasn’t advisory it would have been squashed by the courts? And that the prime minister is aware of the criminality?”

Yes. Everyone does, just few in a position to do anything about it at the mother of parliaments seem to care.

”You know that prominent members of parliament are implicated by association?”

Yes. Just even the leadership of official opposition doesn’t seem overly concerned about it, even though it’s the sort of scandal you’d expect them to weaponise to bring down the government.

”That’s probably because the law breaking serves their political objectives? As with the party of government.”

Yes. So do you have anything to tell us that we don’t know?

”There’s a giant cigarette burn smouldering away in the centre of the carpet. It seems to be being caused by Channel 4, some Observer journalists and a few MPs. But it doesn’t involve the BBC.”

That’s mildly encouraging.

”Oh and in space no one can hear you scream.”

We know that one too, thanks to a series of documentaries on alien life.

”Then be grateful, because we’re about to take the same photographs of the UK’s special friends the United States of America.”

Stonehenge to be demolished after revelation it was built by immigrants

BREAKING (MONUMENTS) : The Salisbury countryside is in for a swift and much needed renewal with the news that Stonehenge is to be demolished after the revelation it was built by immigrants.


”Before the end of today, or definitely by first light tomorrow, a team will be on site at Stonehenge with JCB’s and dynamite,” Mr Potty Pure (Tory MP – Bashhead-on-Rock), Minister for Cultural Purity told LCD Views, “no later than lunch time Thursday. At the latest. We’re not messing about with this. It’s too explosive.”

The news that the government is to act quickly to protect the sensitive feelings of proper British people, and especially Brexiters, has pleased many.

”It’s an insult to all hardworking British men and children,” a spokesman for Nigel Farage told LCD Views, calling via the Kremlin, “the fact that Stonehenge has been allowed to stand so long shows the damage immigrants can do to the British countryside. Those rocks belong in British soil where British people can marvel at them. Not stood upright for millennia as a plain taunt to the eyes of the people who pay the taxes immigrants come to steal.”

Asked what will be built in the place of the insulting eyesore, Mr Pure was definite.

”A carpark,” he replied, puffing out his chest, “a classic British carpark which will be a fitting reminder to the Turks that invaded the landscape due to lax EU border controls not to come here with ideas about farming and putting one stone on top of another stone ever again.”

But the decision to replace Stonehenge with a carpark hasn’t gone unchallenged.

”They’ll be wanting a monarch to bury under the carpark I suppose,” a representative from Leicester Cathedral said, “well they’re not having our Richard. We’ve only just dug him up.”

Rumours that the Home Office will import a Dutch monarch to bury under the carpark are yet to be confirmed.

”That’s just scurrilous gossip. We’ll be placing a proper English king under the asphalt. Like William the Conqueror or maybe even Prince Albert, if the Victoria and Albert Museum will let us have him.”

New postcards of the Salisbury landscape will shortly be issued by the Ministry for Cultural Purity and this time they’ll show the proper story of Britain exactly how it needs to be rewritten.

Trump launches “Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – we comment while watching things burn”

LCD Views can report encouraging news today for countries suffering fire calamities with the announcement that Donald Trump is to launch “Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – we comment while watching things burn”.

”The commentary will be Twitter based,” an insider involved in the Donald’s latest wheeze revealed, “as Mr Trump offers expert commentary on the fighting of fires of all kinds in real time. We expect his advice will really fan the flames.”

And how much will Donald charge for his advice?

”Initially the service will be free,” the insider said,”the first tweet on any fire is offered gratis, with only a discretionary sum requested, to be lodged in any number of offshore bank accounts.”

And after the initial tweet?

”Well, there will be a sliding scale. The longer any party receiving Donald’s unsolicited fire fighting advice ignores it, the more the Drumpf Co will charge. So best to take 45’s first insane suggestion and act fast. That way you can minimise the damage.”

This really is too good to be true.

”Yes. And there’s more. Everyone receiving the unsought consultancy will receive a free Drumpf branded rake. This will put you in the driving seat in any inferno.”

But what about suggestions from critics that Mr Trump should simply stfu and let actual expert authorities handle the fire fighting?

”You mean rather than distracting resources in an emergency to fend off the nonsense from an old man who clearly knows sod all about fire fighting, but is tweeting away regardless?”

Something like that.

”Don’t even try it. You can’t retard Trump when he’s burning up twitter. If you try he’ll just get hot under the collar.”

We look forward to seeing Trump in action the next time there’s an emergency.

Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – a Twitter based inferno of idiocy, burning America’s reputation to the ground.

I could have been drawn into a life of crime, says minister upholding illegal referendum

Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.

This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.

Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.

LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.

“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”

Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?

“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”

Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”

This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.

“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”

The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.,

“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.

You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.