Man explains he thought throwing milkshake at Farage WAS community service

Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.

Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance.  “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”

Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”

“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”

“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”

“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”

“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”

“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.

“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”

Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!

Farage confident of making it through to next round of Conservative leadership contest

EVIL JESTERS : Nigel Farage has spoken today of his confidence of making it through to the next round of the Conservative Party leadership contest.

”Now, now, let me speak,” Mr Fuhrage began his interview on Radio 4’s flagship light entertainment and hard right propaganda outfit, Today, this morning,

“democracy itself is at stake. Unless, unless, and I want to make this completely clear, unless 0.2% of the ageing, white, predominately male and well off English population can choose myself, or some other stooge with disputed funding arrangements, as the actual leader of the governing Conservative Party, while making it appear they’ve chosen someone else, democracy itself is at stake.”

But when challenged by the dynamic duo of Humphrys and Robinson to sell his legitimacy even harder, Mr PayPal was happy to oblige.

”17.4m knew what they were voting for after a mass dark money funded, social media, micro-targeted, political ad campaign in 2016. And now, now, let me speak…”

Mr Humphrys/Robinson : We are, we only interrupt centrists or left wingers. Please continue.

”As I was saying before pretending to be interrupted. The people decided in 2016 and the people are deciding in 2019 to elect someone who may, or may not, have foreign billionaire backers. The people knew what they were voting for when they overwhelmingly voted for Brexit and they know what they’re getting now when they elect me as the new Conservative Party leader. And so long as Labour remain committed to delivering on the will of the broken promises and criminality from 2016, I’m leader of that party too. Which is the best way to combat the rising far right, by promising to fulfil their only stated policy objective, however scant the details of it. Uncomfortable though that truth maybe for some. If they don’t like it they can vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP, which it seems they’re now happy to do.”

But when asked what he would say if after making it through to the final two contenders for Tory leader, Mr Farage found himself faced with a 52/48 percent split in the vote? He was still his usual trademark adamant self.

”So long as I win, by fair or foul means, 52/48 is finished business.”

‘Brexity McBrexit McFuckface’ beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ to be UK’s epitaph

PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS REQUIRED : LCD VIEWS HAS THE EXCLUSIVE TODAY that the secret Whitehall contest to choose the United Kingdom’s epitaph has chosen a winner.

“Brexity McBrexit McFuckface beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ in a poll of civil servants,” our Whitehall fly on the wall reveals, “and no one is complaining at all.”

While the winner references the competition to name a big boat, there is clearly no danger of David Attenborough being involved in the wording as an alternative, as unlike other aged national treasures he’s shown himself to be completely against Brexit.

Which is a bloody relief, I can tell you, when you consider Cleese, Caine, Daltrey and others.

“Although the entire lyrics of ‘My Generation’ were in the running early on to be chiseled complete on the tombstone. This was abandoned because very many of that generation aren’t actually kippers and it wasn’t fair to tar them with the same brush as the gammon faced lunatics they stuff Question Time full of.”

‘Evil appears as good in the minds of those whom god leads to destruction’ was also in the running, but fell at the last hurdle in preference of the more contemporary phrasing.

“Calls to cancel the result and have someone in cabinet decide what to chisel into the stone have been ignored, because it’s blood obvious now that anyone serving in the cabinet is too crazy to be trusted with a task of such gravity.”

The gravestone will now be prepared and stored at public expense.

In the event any Brexit occurs it will be revealed to the public to reassure them that plans to continue sound and stable governance (of a soon to be deceased thereafter United Kingdom) have long been in place.

Straighten that jacket! Downing Street tailor releases design for next prime minister’s outfit

A STITCH IN TIME : GREAT suits Batman! Photos are emerging today of the new draft design for the outfit to be worn by the United Kingdom’s next, and almost certainly last, prime minister.

“You’d have to be Houdini to get out of it,” our dedicated follower of fashion comments, “and even he would have some trouble, given that the next prime minister will not only be in a straight jacket, with chains and locks around their limbs, but in a glass tank filled with water, dropped into the Thames off Westminster Pier, with a concrete block on the little door in the box to ensure they never get out of it. This is Brexit. This is the suit.”

But although appropriate to the situation the new leader of the country will find themselves in, regardless of who it is, critics have been quick to point out that more fitting alternatives should have been considered.

“What’s wrong with a classic Iron Maiden? People want to know,” our dedicated follower of fashion understands, “or the trolley and face mask get up favoured by Hannibal Lectre? Which is just as fitting for anyone that believes they can make a success of being Brexit prime minister.”

These are good questions. LCD Views believes that a stripped down design should also have been given serious consideration.

Because whoever is chosen to be emperor by the three old men, clinically insane and shouting at a dying shrub, that comprise the last Tory Party membership, that person will definitely be wearing the emperor’s new clothes from the moment they assume office.

Deal’s off! Devil returns man’s soul out of terror of eternity with it

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT : THE DEVIL himself is in the news today, speaking about how he managed to get his soul back from Satan.

Goggle eyed lord of darkness, Jeremy Hunt, is clearly pleased as punch over having his soul returned by Beelzebub late last night.

“The fiend left Jeremy’s soul in a greasy, brown paper bag on the doorstep of Mr Hunt’s home,” an aide to Lucifer told LCD Views, “he didn’t want to risk having to look into the serpent’s eyes. Bag it. Drop it. Run.”

But why give back something he’d paid for with no possibility of recouping the cost?

“It’s worthless. Oh, and it was the smell. It was pretty overwhelming. Like a barrel of dead fish crossed with a complete idiot soaked in the sweat of an old pair of running shoes. It was only going to get worse over eternity. So a decision was taken to remove it. Write off the loss and move on.”

A cock-a-hoop Mr Hunt (holding the small bag between thumb and forefinger) told reporters:

“It’s pretty funny. I get to continue being myself and enjoying the sense of entitlement, I mean achievement, that comes from getting away with forgetting to register seven luxury flats on member’s interests, while plotting to further remove any sense of joy from mere mortals. Quite amazing really. I never expected, when agreeing my Faustian pact as a young man, that the devil would renege on the deal and I’d get to keep the spoils regardless. It just shows how clever I am. Why I should be prime minister.”

What exactly he plans to do with his soul now that it is returned isn’t yet clear.

“I’ll probably put it in the basement with my conscience,” Mr Hunt shrugged, “and all the other possessions that I’ve no use for.”

Empty chair tops polling as preferred prime minister

NONE OF THE ABOVE : Polling by SomeoneGuv released today has revealed that an empty chair now tops the polling as the preferred next prime minister of the United Kingdom.

“The previous frontrunner, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, thought he was playing a canny game by hiding from everyone in the country as much as possible, but it seems the strategy has now become too much of a good thing. People are beginning to like the idea of his absence. So it’s not really a shock that an empty chair, the symbol of his absence, should seize the opportunity with relish.”

What relish isn’t exactly clear, but it’s believed Branston Pickle is the most likely relish the chair has taken hold of.

“How Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will respond to suddenly finding himself a distant second to an empty chair is not yet clear, but it’s believed he may risk sitting on it.”

That in itself is seen as a high risk move, surely?

“Indeed. The moment he sits on the chair people will be reminded why they favour it so empty. Especially when you consider the calm, sturdy nature of a solid piece of furniture and its inability to talk an endless steam of bollocks.”

It seems now that the chair has captured the public imagination there is little to stop it opening up a lead so commanding the other contenders to be prime minister may as well give up and start asking for a job in cabinet.

“Four legs, a back, prepared to support people without reference to race, gender or sexual orientation? Able to change direction when required by circumstance, but otherwise consistent in where it faces, what isn’t to like about an empty chair in preference to that bumbling blonde catastrophe Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?”

Donald Trump enters Tory leadership contest with one tweet

RED, WHITE AND BLUE BREXIT : So called President of the United States, Donald Trump, has made a late entry into the Tory leadership contest today with a single tweet.

At a little after 5am this morning, as POTUS began his ritual ‘executive time’ on the White House toilet, he fired off the tweet that sent shockwaves through the governing Conservative Party.

“Before the tweet an empty chair was the most popular to takeover when Theresa May’s cold hands are prized off the keys to Downing Street,” our transatlantic correspondent corresponded, “then Boris Johnson, then Jeremy Who Rhymes and after that just fcuk knows. But with his actions on the famous social media site Donald Trump is now the clear favourite.”

Queries about the legality of Trump entering the race to be the UK’s next PM have been brushed aside because the law doesn’t matter anymore in the UK or the USA.

“It’s a smart play,” our analyst continues, “he waited for some of the obvious losers to eliminate themselves before throwing his hat into the ring. There’s little that stands in his way now from entering Downing Street except common sense. So nothing really, as the UK abandoned any pretence to being sensible when the Tories were re-elected to govern on their own in 2015.”

Trump’s ascendancy to the top job in British politics offers continuity in government too, as one of the primary drivers of the executive since 2015 has been to make US billionaires happy.

“It really just cuts out the middle man too,” our analyst observed, “if any Brexit does occur the UK will be run entirely from the White House anyway.”

Popcorn manufacturers supporting Boris

At last, a real Brexit dividend. Manufacturers of popcorn are backing Boris ‘Fuck Business’ Johnson, seeking a boost in sales.

The probable next PM, Boris Johnson is likely to allow this country to fall into dereliction. However, observers will enjoy watching the spectacle while tucking into a tasty snack. Great theatre, dreadful politics.

You can picture the scene. Boris turns up to an important summit, 15 minutes late and completely unprepared. Half an hour of good-natured waffle (including a hilarious anecdote about Theresa May and a sausage roll) later, and nothing will have been achieved, but everyone will be in his power. Global Britain reduced to an admittedly well honed comedy act.

It is our duty to watch the compelling spectacle unfold with equal measures of laughter, horror and popcorn.

“It’s a golden opportunity,” remarks SuperPop! CEO, Carrie-Mel Flava. “We are taking on staff and opening premises across the country in anticipation. We have taken £350m in orders in one week for the new Westminster branch alone.”

Flava has put a complete range of Brexit popcorns on the market. For example, Strong And SuperPop!, which disintegrates under the slightest pressure. Then there’s Sunlit Uplands, which contains a few sad grains of corn to pop yourself. Finally, there is the Brexit Dividend, which is an enormous bag containing an IOU.

Hollywood is already in London, filming location shots for The Brexit Movie. We are anticipating a spectacular high budget disaster film, starring Tom Hanks as Boris Johnson.

“We are aiming British themed popcorn at the American market,” says Flava. “There won’t be any cinemas left in the UK after we crash out, but the Americans love the 51st State and its people. We are already trialling some cool new varieties. Nice Cup Of Tea flavour popcorn, Sweet Nostalgia flavour, and Bitter Disappointment.”

Boris will be bad for Britain, but great for sales of popcorn. And we have a ringside seat!

10 Downing Street confirms Hong Kong does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE HONG KONG DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a series of protest marches involving over one million people in Hong Kong has led to the executive changing its mind.

The reversal concerns a law that would have changed Hong Kong’s relationship with its nearest neighbour (actually China), but also the rest of the world, given the unique circumstances of Hong Kong.

https://asia.nikkei.com/Spotlight/Hong-Kong-protests/Hong-Kong-government-suspends-extradition-bill

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to halt the progress of a bill concerning changes to the extradition law in Hong Kong, whereby people accused of crimes in China could be much more easily whisked away to whatever fate awaits them,

“This abrupt change in direction by the chief executive of Hong Kong, which does not exist, as a result of mass protests by the citizens and concerns over threats to its democracy has no application in Mighty Britannia. The non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered. This government is not for turning. If a democracy can change its mind then it ceases to be a democracy. That’s it. That’s how democracy works. New information. Large protests by frustrated citizens concerned that their elected representatives are making incredibly stupid decisions, that has no application in the United Kingdom. We invented democracy so we can damn well do what we want with it. So there.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the territory concerned, Hong Kong, does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should consider if we also need to pause and think?

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle no good layabouts on the streets,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the people of Hong Kong that you just make up the reassurances you want to support whatever dangerous change to the territory’s status is proposed. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT LAM HAS DECIDED. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small place. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Hong Kong does still exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with multiple protests of concerned citizens.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that all options for Carrie Lam remain on the table.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the people of Hong Kong! Even though you don’t exist! And hope our own executive can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

Dominic Raab’s plan for managing No Deal Brexit leaked to the press

I LOVE THE SMELL OF DOM-INATION IN THE MORNING : Dominic Raab is searching for the mole in his tightly knit campaign team this morning after his plan for managing a No Deal Brexit was leaked to the press.

”He’s so mad he’s got lockjaw,” an aide to Raging Raab told us on the condition we don’t print it, “he normally does of course. He sees another dog near one of his bones or chew toys and he’s clamped onto it harder than Farage with a dodgy expense claim.”

Quite how the mole was able to get the plan outside of the Rabid Raab wolf den is open to speculation, with many believing it wasn’t possible to leak Rancid Raab’s inner thoughts, purely because there aren’t any.

”It’s especially grating,” the aide added, “as Raab the Rinser had only just settled on ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’ as the way to avoid truck tailbacks in Kent,

”He had to develop the new plan after Boris Johnson’s blank notepad plan was published. This was coincidentally so similar to Righteous Raab’s own plan that he was determined to come up with something new, something Boris would never dream of.”

The belief that napalming the counties to deal with a No Deal Brexit is not one Boris would choose is credible.

”We reckon Boris would order everyone to put on a blonde wig and shag,” the aide mused, “he won’t use a mixture of petrol and detergents. He only likes the smell of flirtations with fascism and racist dog whistles for personal advancement. Morning. Afternoon. And evening. Although it’s fair to speculate he’d also play Wagner while he was at it.”