PORKING NEWS : The Bullingdon Club alumni are reportedly in lockdown today at a secret club location in Mayfair, London, after a news story put the fear of God into what passes for their hearts.
”David, Boris, Michael, Beelzebub and many others are rumoured to have taken to a secret, subterranean chamber, in tails and bow ties, and are said to be feverishly porking. I mean poring frantically over the ancient texts of their order to determine which counter spell to cast to defeat the magical assault of science against the order.”
The panic appears to have been caused by a story in the news cycle today regarding scientists bringing a pig’s brain back to life long after it was presumed dead.
”It’s a bloody worry, I don’t mind telling you,” a source inside the order told LCD Views, “if those pesky nerds get old Florence out of the formaldehyde and hook her up to whatever gizmo they used to get the other pig’s head spilling the beans, well, the entire future of the Conservative Party could be at stake. Whereas right now it’s totally secure.”
But it’s not only the inheritance millionaire set that have been put into a flurry of worry.
”HarperCollins will have to get Dave to rewrite the early chapters of his memoir if that blasted bit of pork starts talking and the book is late enough as it is,” our literary correspondent says, “not to mention the pressure on the Royal Mint to print enough new fifty pound notes.”
But what does the Mint have to do with it? The former British prime minister concerned isn’t on any banknotes.
”That’s not the worry. The concern is how many fifties the club members will burn in front of lowborn types as they attempt to gather energy from the ether to cast their counter spells. At least Dave has already successfully finished his career as prime minister or Lord only knows what sort of damage any revelations to come would have done to his reputation. Which right now of course, is perfectly secure.”