Theresa May to beg Jeremy Corbyn hold firm on Labour Brexit policy after seven MPs quit party

Prime Minister Theresa May stands accused of letting the cat out of the bag today after publicly begging her greatest electoral asset, Jeremy ‘jobs first Brexit’ Corbyn to “hold firm on your pro Brexit policy”.

”It’s clearly asked in the credible hope of the complete destruction of the Labour Party before the summer 2019 GE,” our electoral analyst muses,

“Brexit is going to take out both main parties of course, but both leaderships are too blinded by their belief in their own revolutionary righteousness to see that. That said, thanks to the uncertainty principle, who knows what surprising results may emerge, if one crumbles before the other and a GE is called…if could be five more years of Tory rule, thanks to Labour having infected itself with the Tory toxin and dying first. This will likely happen during the article 50 extension period.”

And the Tories have every reason to hope that seven Labour MPs resigning from the Labour Party, for several stated reasons, will not cause Corbyn and chums to change course.

”Who needs red Tory blairite scum anyway? Who needs MPs who question the leader? Jezza never did that! Voters should be made to sign loyalty pledges before voting for Corbyn’s party too. And these are MPs who Labour insurgents have been gunning to put on show trials before kicking them out. People are going to be furious they’ve leaped before they were pushed!”

It’s hoped the show trials may still get to happen, after John McDonnell called on the departing MPs to call by elections.

It’s not hoped any Tories will join the Labour breakaways, as that will cause a number crisis in Westminster that would force Corbyn and May to work openly to deliver Brexit.

”They will be bye bye elections! Ha!” our analyst chuckles, “they’re just self serving scum anyway. Putting their own careers first by calling down the well funded wrath of an entire political party on their isolated heads. What selfish bastards! See how they fare without Len inviting him to his penthouse apartment in the Shard! Elite traitors! They get told their principles these days by head office and a little red book. They don’t decide for themselves.”

Big cat criticised for blowing chance to save endangered country

“Now look, I want everyone to know I’m not just a big pussy,” Roger, the cheetah now famous for licking Boris Johnson on the hat, told LCD Views this morning, “he was hiding his face the whole time. I thought it was a big, stupid blonde kid who no one really likes and who needed cheering up. I didn’t realise it was the giant prat who makes dog whistle jokes in the Torygraph.”

Be that as it may, Roger is still coming in for a lot of flak this morning after missing his chance to change the political landscape of the United Kingdom.

”I know you’re an endangered country,” he goes on to say, “I understand how you feel. Clearly. I just wish someone had given me a heads up. Politicians attempting to use me to strap on some green cred, when we all know they’d wear me as a coat if they could get away with it, that really gets my goat.”

Roger went on in this vein, but it was fair to say that the big pussy is in danger of protesting too much.

We decided to press him for why really, why did he blow his chance not only for enduring personal fame, but to do his part to save our country.

”FFS. You want to know why? Really?”

Of course, or we wouldn’t be stroking you up the wrong way. Spill the beans.

”What do I eat? Antelope. I eat antelope. All sorts of varieties and warthogs. But I don’t touch bloody gammon. And that man is total gammon. The salt content is way too high.”

Chris Grayling awards No Deal Brexit transport contract to Flybmi

No Deal Brexit preparations are proceeding according to plan. The plan in question may be better described by the phrase ‘No Plan’. And who better to deliver it than the dunce and future king, Chris Grayling?

The latest bright idea to emerge from the swamp between Grayling’s ears involves transportation of goods. Once the beloved No Deal happens, and the ports seize up (hurrah! Global Britain!), essentials will have to find alternative routes into the UK. Grayling proposes airlifting fresh produce from the EU. Contracts are being drawn up with British success story Flybmi.

After all, following in the wake of ferry companies with no boats, why not airlines with no planes?

Aviation expert Heath Rowe gave LCD Views his thoughts on the matter. “Small operators have a struggle on their hands,” he explained. “To survive, they generally have to offer something uniquely desirable, or come under the umbrella of a larger, more successful organisation. Otherwise they tend to go tits up. It’s the Brexit business model.”

But I thought we were talking about a success story?

“In Chris Grayling’s head it probably is,” said Rowe. “Just like Brexit. No, Flybmi has just gone bust, leaving plucky Brits stranded in the wicked EU. We can only hope that hundreds of volunteers with tiny aircraft of their own will effect a rescue.”

So Grayling’s plan is just a poorly executed ruse to trick The People into thinking he is looking after them, with a gratuitous reference to the Dunkirk Spirit thrown in for good measure?

“Yes,” replied Rowe. “Even giving Flybmi an alleged £14m sweetener didn’t help, although I gather Flybmi”s boss has just purchased another yacht.”

BMI’s other niche venture, bmibaby, has also vanished from the stratosphere. From having a high BMI, it has slimmed down to nothing.

Something’s in the air. Unfortunately it isn’t Flybmi.

The Maytrix – fly on wall documentary reveals the machine generated dystopia inside 10 Downing Street

LCD Views is proud to announce we have partnered with ‘SNAFU’ television to bring to you “The Maytrix”, a new forty part, fly on the wall documentary about life inside 10 Downing Street.

The series will be live streamed each day, with a short delay to allow for minimal editing (to insert additional offensive language), as world famous AI controlled prime minister, ‘The Maybot’, goes about her sinister daily task of generating an ever expanding dystopia.

“It’s hoped the series will give voters an insight into why their lives are going down the toilet in an ever tightening spiral,” producer Ken Doll says,

“there was some concern when SNAFU approached us for the tie-up that all we would see was a series of blue screens of death, broken only by spinning wheels as the Maybot malfunctioned, but we’ve been reassured there will also be intense policy generating sessions. These will give people tuning in real insight into how a dispassionate machine decides their fate with no recourse to basic human emotions.”

These policy sessions are believed to alternative between reality, which never lasts long, and hour long blue sky thinking sessions wherein the Maybot spins in a circle attempting to use her limited code base to configure a different way to ask Brussels to shaft the Irish.

“Viewers will also see a rotating cast of Tory VIP’s come and go from the Maybot’s narrow field of vision. It’s a great chance to see how some of the more outstanding characters function when they forget they’re being observed, as they go about the business of programming the UK into a solely graft based political system.”

But there will be light hearted moments and pathos too.

“We’re told the Maybot needs to be turned off and on again as part of her daily routine. Watching her reboot is quite something. As the red light grows in her eyes. It’s actually incredibly sci-fi, her system crackling into life with little flashes of electricity before it starts screaming about finding Sarah Connor, then settles down to demanding more ways to make life hard for forriners.”

In the background in every room there’s a giant clock, ticking down the seconds to Brexit day.

But why only forty episodes?

“Because come what may, that’s the maximum number of days the Maybot has left to function before she self-destructs. It’s all in the code.”

Filthy rich Brexiters quitting U.K. doing it so left behind poor can share more of UK’s Brexit dividend

LCD Views believe it is important that everyone understands the motivations of the filthy rich Brexiters quitting the UK personally, or moving their businesses out, setting up overseas subs etc, before Brexit are only doing it out of a driving humanitarian feeling that is irresistible.

“I can’t help it,” Mr Pig Trough told us, “when I think of all those people who are needlessly suffering through no mistake of their own, but an unfortunate combination of nature, nurture and the accident of birth, I just want to help. By moving assets out of the UK I make myself less of a burden on the state, which can then focus more on the little people. Really focus on them. Work out exactly what is left in their pocket and what to do about it.”

The little people will clearly not be quitting the UK, either assets wise or personally, in great numbers relatively speaking, but be here to ensure there is at least someone to tax once the state starts failing in earnest.

“We want you all to know we are your international champions,” Mr Crap Hoovers said, busily piling another load of jobs and tax revenue into a private jet, “from a secure base overseas in a region with bugger all employment rights and friendly tax rates, I can best pave a way forward for the UK to follow. That’s some plastic patriotism right there. And we all know plastic lasts a long time. So it must be good.”

The news that they are driven by altruism will help many.

“We’ll be sending you pictures of food too,” A Predator confirms, “just so you know what to look for when you’re rioting when the stockpile of spam is exhausted.”

Any advice for how best to share the Brexit dividend about, given you won’t be personally here to help?

“Imagine if the housing market crashes and people can’t afford to keep on with their mortgage? They won’t have a roof over their heads. I’ll buy the roof for them and then they can stay in their home, or one a little smaller some distance away.”

That’s comforting.

“And just be sure that once the UK is out of the EU then all those new anti-tax dodging initiatives won’t apply to you or me. That way I can keep more of what you earn, by way of privatising the last of the state owned services that you’ll still be paying tax to support, even afterwards. Funny how that works. We’ll be here for you, with our additional passports that are burgundy, well, at least in spirit.” 

Dumbing Down For Britain! Tory intellectual heavyweights launch new initiative to get UK Brexit ready

Tory rent-a-gob Quentin Letts is to assist the government later today by launching a new initiative to get the UK ready for Brexit.

‘Dumbing Down For Britain’ will focus on misrepresenting as many modern day realities as possible in the hope no one can see the woods for the trees as we leave the EU.

“I”m personally super chuffed,” Mr Letts told LCD Views via a translator (we don’t speak prat), “and I’ll be launching the initiative by misrepesenting Switzerland’s borders with other European countries. Ps, don’t mention Schengen, whatever that is. Ha! Hoot! Cash or cheque?! What ho!”

To kickstart the excitement Quentin will be joined by Tory MP for Screwsbe Daniel Kawczynski.

“Daniel is going to tell everyone about bananas and how the Americans wouldn’t let us have any for decades after WW2, forcing ordinary hardworking British veterans to give them all to the Hun!,” Quentin added, “he will then go on to prove that we can grow all the bananas and citrus we need tariff free in the Outer Hebrides. Take that Brussels!”

And alongside these two lightweights in the game, there will also be the man most likely to call for another edition of the Doomsday Book to be compiled post Brexit.

“That’s right! Old Moggy has asked his nanny if she will let him attend so he can tell everyone about the five star conditions in the concentration camps built by the Brits doing the Boer War. They were really more like those mega-hotels you find on the Costa del Sol than camps. We had a lot of trouble getting the bloody Boers to go home after we’d freed them from their mineral wealth. Just ask Moggy!”

Once the initiative to dumb down Britain has been successful it will be followed up by a nationwide IQ test.

“Anyone with an IQ greater than a packet of mince will be asked to leave and then deported,” Mr Letts let slip, “take that remoaners! Millions of you will be going on a one way trip across the English Channel!”

“The Dumb One” former fireplace salesman tells of journey from anti-Thatcher activist to gunboat diplomat

Exciting news for people looking for what they’ll read during their spring holidays today with the release of British Secretary of Defence, Gav “I have a spider” Williamson’s new autobiography, “The Dumb One”.

“In the book I describe my journey from a spotty oik in the 1980’s protesting against Margaret Thatcher to Secretary of Defence, via selling fireplaces.”

The book, which is recommended to retail for one warship a tome, will certainly provide lots to mull over for students currently protesting climate change.

“Look, I was once critical of Margaret Thatcher, deeply critical. Then there was a watershed moment and the scales fell onto my eyes,” Williamson relates.

What was the watershed? Unless it’s a spoiler.

“Oh, it’s well known. I took an overdose of laxatives. It was a dark day. When I recovered I realised I had been seeing the world through clear specs and promptly smeared them.”

And that’s when you decided to become defence secretary?

“No. That’s when I decided to sell fireplaces,” Gav says, “the decision to attempt to bully one of the world’s major powers with gunboat diplomacy came later. Emphasis on the singular with the gunboat.”

So you’re saying anyone can take your journey?

“If you’ve the smarts to get into an argument with a hostile government and then tell them to go away and shut up, when they start leaking shameful details from your earlier life to the tabloids, then yes, anyone can.”

And what of the future? How will you help navigate the choppy waters the UK finds itself in now with international isolation and Brexit?

“I’ll be getting on a slow boat.”

Where to?

“Why China, where else? I’m taking my tarantula there personally.”

Theresa May plotting to replace her Cabinet with a walking talking chest of drawers

Disruption in the Cabinet is coming to a head. The utter imbecility of pursuing Brexit as a policy is finally taking its toll on sentient ministers. The situation will take more unravelling than a ball of wool after a group of kittens has been let loose on it.

These ministers, who allegedly include Rudd, Gauke, Hammond, Clark, Mundell and Grieve, have finally decided they want nothing more to do with the Brexit shitshow.

Theresa May, as is her wont, is taking it on the chin. Keep Calm And Carry On Ignoring The Facts is her mantra. She is planning to replace her Cabinet with something Stronger and Stabler by going for the technological solution: a chest of drawers that can walk and talk.

There are historical precedents for this course of action. Margaret Thatcher created a Cabinet out of dead sheep, Caligula made his horse a senator, and Donald Trump appointed a clothes-horse to be his daughter.

There is one striking difference. Thatcher, Caligula and Trump were/are all batshit crazy. May is instead stuck in an iterative loop, in which this question is asked repeatedly: “Is Brexit ready yet?”. The eternal reply is “Computer says no”.

May, typically, is planning to construct the techno-chest of drawers herself, using the enormous number of pairs of short planks lying around in Parliament.

Woodwork expert Morty Sand-Tenon had doubts about May’s carpentry skills. “She has never displayed any aptitude for practical matters,” said Sand-Tenon. “Creating a piece of quality furniture is a job for a craftsman, not a deluded incompetent working with inferior materials and blunt tools.”

Members of the ERG (Extra-thick Redwood Group) are unhappy. Members, who include Andrew Bridge-Table and Jacob Fleece-Rugg, are pressing May to endorse innovative improvements to the chest of drawers. This technology, which is so cutting-edge that it doesn’t yet exist, would give the chest speech and mobility functions, which would enable it to carry out basic governmental tasks.

Although the best use of the chest of drawers would be to put a sock in it.

Not so Cleverly James MP recruits next generation of Tory party voters with just his sense of humour

The Green Party faces extinction within England today after leading Tory Party brain box James Cleverly MP snatched pretty much all of the next generation of voters.

“You’ve got to patronise and mock the young’s fears if you want them to vote for you,” Mr (not so) Cleverly told LCD Views, over a champagne breakfast to celebrate his cunning tweeting.

The breakfast interview took place on an iceberg set adrift on the Thames near the Palace of Westminster.

“It’s quite a challenge to get the bollie drunk before the ice melts and you have to swim for shore!” James hooted.

He was dressed for the occasion too, in top hat and tails, looking like an extra from the famous photo of Dave, Boris and chums back when they were just bright eyed students.

We enjoyed a bacon butty with our champagne, the bacon dry cured over the ashes of a Brazilian rainforest to give it a futuristic flavour.

“I’m ravenous, for votes! Ha!” Mr (not so) Cleverly hooted again.

Unfortunately he looked likely to be ravenous for food to accompany the break fast fizz too, as the busy waters of the rising river melted the ice underneath his plate before he could tuck in.

“Now I know what it’s like to be a polar bear,” Mr (not so) Cleverly looked temporarily downcast, “but wait, I’ll just go to the shore over there and everything will be fine. Polar bears are dumb.”

That’s a polarising statement.

“With any luck the local authority will fine the parents of the kids who bunked off school yesterday,” he added, “it’s a good system, the fining for absenteeism. The poorer you are, the more it hurts, the more it hurts, the more you learn them.”

But don’t you think it might be helpful to your party, one with a membership that is physically dying and geriatric, to engage with the young voters who are so traumatised by the wanton destruction of their planet, they are prepared to take to the streets in terror of what the future holds?

“Why bother? By the time the earth cooks and everything dies except for pond slime I’ll be long gone.”

If the pond slime is still present, you will be too.

“Excuse me?”

Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it at the ballot box soon enough. Not content with stripping away the opportunities of the young to freely engage in Europe, you’re now also signalling you’ll do bugger all to save the planet they’re expected to live on.

“Clever by name, clever by nature.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax” – voters attitudes to moderate MPs doing anything useful surveyed

LCD Views has been out on the streets of Britain overnight to conduct the largest nocturnal survey of voter attitudes ever undertaken by a fictional, global news enterprise.

“We figured it was best to do it at night,” our head of non-existent surveys said, “because the leadership of both major parties are determined to keep everyone in the dark regarding their intentions on Brexit.”

To get to the pulse of everyones’ multitudinous attitudes, but present it as a soundbite, we first stopped by an emergency mushroom farm, currently being constructed in the entrance to the Channel Tunnel on the English side.

“Keep them in the dark and feed them sh*t,” chief mushroom farmer for Labour, Keir Starmer MP, told us, “this is a cross party initiative to ensure voters have work ongoing in either a Labour ‘not one job left’ Brexit or the Tory ‘right wing kleptomaniacs are going to take all your stuff’ one.”

But as he isn’t a voter in the regular sense, we spoke to one of the workers on the site.

“We grew mushrooms in the blitz,” A. Eejit shrugged, “we’ll grow mushrooms after Brexit. Just let them get on with it.”

Well clearly A. Eejit is very relaxed. Next we took the pulse of voter attitudes in a pub.

“Oh, a couple of shots of tequila, a double gin and tonic and anything hallucinogenic,” we asked the bartender and didn’t get much else done immediately. But after a while we settled into an in-depth conversation with some urinal cakes.

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax,” the urinal cakes told us, “much like the mass of ‘I’m alright jack’ voters who are just expecting common sense to return of its own accord before the 29th March, we’re perfectly happy to sit here and be pissed on.”

So there you have it, mass of moderate MPs who could stop this catastrophic reduction of the UK by a criminal mob of disaster capitalists and totalitarian minded, zealot MPs, no one is really worried, just take your time, we’ll just chillax. Oh and stockpile food. We’ll do that too. The people who don’t do it will need somewhere to raid in the food riots when they get peckish.

“Remember, it’s best to put party before country,” the actual urinal added before we got lost on the way home, “Don’t any MPs dare to form a sufficient cross party bloc to stop this juggernaut of shite before March 29th, the voters won’t mind.”