Philip Hammond was rumoured to be preparing to depart the office of chancellor today after waking in the night, it is said, to find Michael Gove sitting on the edge of his bed.
“He’s terrified,” a caller claiming to be Gladstone, the exchequer cat, told LCD Views.
“Hammond is generally kept under lock and key to avoid fights anyway, so to wake and find something that appears monstrously reptilian in the dark on his bed has him spooked beyond words.”
It’s already believed that the atmosphere at 11 Downing Street varies between morose to horror at the best of times.
This is a result of Hammond owning a calculator and continually forecasting the country’s financiers with Brexit in the future.
“Boris drops by each morning too,” Gladstone continued. “He appears to have some sort of skeleton key. Hammond orders the lock changed on the door daily, but each morning when he sits down to breakfast on half a grapefruit and a glass of goat’s milk, there’s Boris at his table having a fry up.”
It’s not certain what Boris says, but Gladstone believes he rambles on merrily about becoming prime minister any day now and replacing Hammond with Gove as chancellor as payment for his part in the plot.
“He normally finishes up his sausages and eggs before grabbing Hammond’s calculator and writing boob on it with the eight and zero.”
Hammond knows his days are numbered, according to Gladstone.
“Each time May picks up the phone to scream at him to find more money he tells her there isn’t any left. This isn’t going down well. He’s supposed to be a post-factual chancellor, because that’s the guiding agenda for the entirety of government.”
Gladstone adds that he is uncertain about his own future at 11 Downing Street too.
“My main task is to radiate excessive self confidence not founded in anything resembling reality, before cleaning my bum. Once Gove moves in, I’ll be out of a job too.”