LCD Views’ Ghosts Are Real At Christmas correspondent has heard rumours today that Downing Street has called in an exorcist in an attempt to stop three ghosts keeping the prime minister awake at night.
“They’re pretty relentless,” an aide to the prime minister told us, “it’s the same every evening. When she goes to walk through the front door she sees the ghost of Margaret Thatcher in the big door knob and that’s just the start of it.”
The exorcist is believed to have been summoned from a European country, but has apparently not yet started his work at the famous address due to concerns about what sort of reception he will receive when he arrives in England.
“We’ve been offering reassurance that we won’t deport him until the moment after he finishes the job of clearing out the spooks. I don’t know where he got the idea he won’t be welcome in May’s home. It’s pretty perplexing.”
But critics have called the hiring of the exorcist an unnecessary expense as only one of the ghosts can feasibly be real.
“The ghost of Christmas past is real. It’s Margaret Thatcher. She gets Theresa up to berate her over her attempts to ruin the single market and then goes on a surprising rant about homelessness. Which is pretty shocking. I mean, if you’re that cold hearted that Maggie feels the need to lecture you, well…”
It seems Boris Johnson is the ghost of Christmas present.
“That’s not too unusual. Boris tends to show up late at people’s houses and get them out of bed begging to be hidden from someone’s husband, but this time he lectures May about how she needs to be more autocratic and more confusing and the bally idiots who vote for her won’t know which way to turn.”
But it seems the ghost representing the future is the most disturbing.
“It’s Rees-mogg. He visits her with photos of his twelve children, who he has appointed to cabinet positions. He actually comes to thank her for doing all she did to destroy representative democracy in the U.K. and allow him to make everyone in the country his vassal when he becomes prime minister of an isolated and largely ignored little island off the coast of Europe.
Which he is quite happy with, as he has basically turned the whole show into his private harem and implemented a kind of Handmaid’s Tale society in.”
The exorcist is expected to arrive any day now and is a bit of a bargain for only charging £350M for one week.