The Conservative government has moved at last to alleviate the burden of universal credit’s imposition by replacing the scheme with compulsory purchase of special scratch cards to fund the new royal yacht.
“Clearly only one in four people will win,” DWP spokesman, A Syco MP for somewhere, told LCD, “but that’s actually better odds than anyone gets when they enter the lottery of birth.”
It’s believed forcing people sponging off the hardworking British taxpayer with the lifestyle choice of public shaming and official denigration to pay for it will help unite the country behind the plan for the yacht.
“It’s going to bring a real touch of class when Liam Fox and whatever royal is desperate enough set sail for China to agree a comprehensive free trade deal that easily improves on the minor benefits currently gained by membership of the EU,” A Syco observed, “imagine the sight too as people flock to Plymouth to wave hankies and wish them speedy and safe return?”
What the Queen thinks about being dragged into a scheme of nationalist jingoism and tokenism is not clear, but probably best to refer to the EU flag hat she wore to the opening of parliament earlier in the year.
In what is a surprise to some, many people who lived through the Blitz are not Brexiters, but somehow a lot of their children are.
“All these other countries are building space planes and new supersonic aircraft, well, a proper ship with a pine mast imported from Russia will show them up good and proper.”
It’s thought once the new royal yacht, presumed to be called Royal McBoaty Royalface, or Jingo McToken Ridiculehead, or whatever, has finished its life as a trading super symbol, it can be stripped down to the hulk and moored in the Thames estuary.
“This will allow us to store convicted dissenters before we transport them to the new colonies Global Britain is going to discover with our big shiny ship as we forge Empire 2.0,” A Syco enthused, and so say all of us.