The Royal Mail was in danger of full and instant privatisation in days as senior Tories vented their rage at the special Brexit stamp edition being solely pictures of poo.
“When we demanded Brexit stamps we expected maps of Global Britain retaking America and resuming transportation of convicts to Global America 2.0, not these little pictures of poo!” J. Deadwood, MP for Bringing Back on Hanging told LCD.
“The moment we all finish our long New Year holidays and parliament gets back to something that looks like work, I’m going to pass a motion calling for an immediate end to the Royal Mail.
I fancy Branson will buy it the same day, if we run it down enough first.
Of course we’ll have to promise public funds to prop it up after purchase.
That’s the free market we like. No capitalist in risk of a loss because the public will bail them out.
But pictures of poo? What’s wrong with just a big toilet instead?”
But the current CEO of the Royal Mail, Mr S. Tamp, responded abruptly,
“We took this brief very seriously. We took it down before we got down to business. We wanted to capture all possible Brexits with a realism that does the country proud. It was a big jobby. Our hands got so dirty dealing with it we were scrubbing for days.”
It seems the explanation won’t save Mr Tamp though. It’s rumoured he will shortly be locked in a darkened room and visited by John Humphrys, of radio 4 fame, who is going to shout ‘will of the people’ at him until he recants.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about anyway,” S. Tamp added, in what is likely to be his last public statement as an enemy of democracy,
“after March 2019 there will be no more communication with the outside world anyway. No one is going to see the stamps be they pictures of waterfalls or turds.
Well, maybe that’s wrong, there will be contact I suppose, but only by distress flares.”