Norwich became the first major region of the United Kingdom to break ranks and announce its relocation to Germany.
“We’re moving to a German province,” a spokesman for Norwich, who wished to remain anonymous, informed one of LCD’s many condiment correspondents.
“But we ask our former countrymen and women to not be despondent.
We’re making this move now, ahead of Brexit day, to keep English Mustard English.
We see no other alternative. We certainly couldn’t go to France as they have French mustard.
But so long as it’s English hands doing the mixing the mustard will cut it. Oh, and we’ll all still have employment.”
But senior Brexiters have hit back, mostly with death threats, which explains the anonymity.
“If we can’t win with factual arguments we can do it with repeated jingoistic slogans and threats of violence,” Brexit spokesmen, Lord Haw Haw responded.
“Unilever should do their patriotic duty for Britain, like all multi-national corporations, and make a loss for Brexit.
The only mustard that will taste like mustard is patriotic English mustard. This is the 21st Century.
We’ve sold most of our assets to foreign interests and we demand they do what Theresa May orders them to while simultaneously offering whatever they demand, even though she can’t make good these secret deals and everyone is going to leave anyway because they’re responsible to their shareholders and employees and not some bullshit nostalgia project.”
Applying further pressure on Unilever is that plank David Davis.
“This is like Colonel Mustard murdering English mustard in the conservatory with a pitchfork.
I won’t stand for it.
I will be asking my colleague at the Ministry of Defence to blockade Norwich immediately and prevent mustard making secrets leaving for the continent.
This is just bringing forward plans for post March 2019 anyway, when no serfs will be allowed to leave their allotment without their Lord’s consent.
The end of freedom of movement is going to be total. Norwich and its mustard can’t be allowed to get away with it. What next? Yorkshire tea grown in China?”
But LCD’s condiment correspondent thinks this will not stop Norwich leaving the United Kingdom.
“MOD sauces have said they can’t be doing a blockade of Norwich as all Royal Navy ships are currently shadowing one Russian cruiser off the coast of Orkney.
That’s how many ships we have now after years of austerity.
Which in hindsight seems a strange move from a governing party so clearly infatuated with violent nationalism they’ve backed a national agenda promoted by a man who mirrored Nazi propaganda in the referendum campaign.
You would have thought that would have torpedoed the Leave agenda in a modern democracy, but apparently not.
Now you’re just supposed to forget all that, forget Jo Cox, and get behind Brexit.”
For our part we will be stockpiling all iconic condiments ahead of March 2019 in order to have barter items to hand when the economy is reorientated for the man and woman on the street to a traditional exchange of goods.
We suggest one pot of English made Colman’s Mustard will be worth at least a Cornish pasty, but we’ll have to see what the free market decides on the day.