A woman already famous for aching to bring back fox hunting and fracking has confirmed her deep desire to protect the environment.
“I’m not sure which environment,” the woman said earlier, “probably the one over there, the one without any frackable gas under the fly tipping.”
She went on to counter accusations that the rebranding of her party from one who’d shoot the last polar bear if there was a pound of profit to be had, to a party more green than the Greens, is not a cynical, shallow reaction to the sudden awareness no one under seventy is ever going to vote for them again.
“Pretending to love the environment with long term, largely detail free assertions, is the best way to win back young people,” a friend of the woman said, “Just because I’m known for stabbing my friends in the back, doesn’t mean you can’t trust me on this.”
Young people are likely to be fooled by this pitch, forget the crushing of their dreams related to EU membership, home ownership, health care and affordable education and begin voting for the party these two represent again.
“This idea must have come from the special committee set up to work out how to get young people to vote Tory,” a young person told LCD Views, “presumably they decided that as a tiny minority of us went to Eton we must all be incredibly thick.”
Are you young, didn’t go to school with silver spoon kids and are convinced?
At least they may have to follow through with the Ivory trade ban now. Which is great.
Now, just settle back and wait for them to frack the f*ck out of your backyard.