“How could we be expected to foresee a massive business would just collapse, just like that? Without any warning at all?” Cabinet office minister, David Lid-on, asked today, in response to the collapse of Carillion.
“Everyone knows the only party that understands business is the Conservatives. Please put the emphasis on the ‘con’ when saying our name,” Mr Lid-on continued, “UK plc is safe in our hands. Just look at our handling of Brexit. It’s a prime example. With us in charge we should more correctly be referred to as UKIP plc, of course.”
It’s believed the collapse of Carillion, which runs every single public service in the UK, with the exception of the ones G4S run (you remember them, the army covered their asses, after they couldn’t run security at the Olympics, it’s a good thing army numbers have reduced since), will not have any negative impact on the taxpayer at all.
“It’s a great relief,” Mr Lid-on smiled, “I’m personally going to make sure the liquidation goes as smoothly as a car boot sale in a thunderstorm, with only a minor volcanic eruption before the end of trading. This is essentially a dry run for UK plc post March 2019 and Brexit. Firesale! Who doesn’t like one of those? Our neoliberal friends across the pond can’t wait for 2019.”
And the government wants to reassure the former employees of Carillion that they will be okay.
“Our foodbank sector is booming. There is no chance anyone will go hungry as a result of this giant collapsing after winning numerous public contracts while issuing profit warnings. You might lose your home though. Go find seven different gig economy zero hours job pronto.”
Further reassurance was offered to the former bosses of Carillion. Legislative changes in 2016 means they won’t have to pay back their bonuses.
“We should thank George Osborne and David Cameron for their visionary work on austerity. It’s been great for everyone,” Mr Lid-on went on, “You make companies with slim profit margins pretend they can run expensive public sector projects for a profit making loss.
It’s really an exceptionally clever way to run the country.
Germany and France, the Scandinavian countries, they could learn a lot from the way we’ve run the UK since the wisdom of Thatcherism took hold of public policy. What have they done? Total clown shows with limited futures now.”
LCD’s private/public analyst was just as forgiving on the government.
“It’s not fair to bully the Conservative government about their awarding contracts to Carillion, even as the stock market was short selling it. They’re the party of business. Keep repeating that and don’t look at the national debt under their stewardship.
Besides, how can they have been expected to foresee this? They can’t foresee anything.”