LCD Views is leading the charge today in heaping criticism on a team of taxpayer funded scientists who have announced the result of an experiment, the aim of which was to talk to a packet of mince.
“My team at the Brexit Science Institute, the BS I, refute all accusations that we’re just wasting buckets of taxpayer cash,” lead researcher Dr Reed-smogg said this afternoon to a room with only one reporter in it.
“The BS Institute works hard to establish facts where there are already lots and lots of facts, just ones we don’t agree with,” Dr Reed-smogg continued,
“and I am thrilled to tell you today that we have succeeded in our recent experiment to get a packet of mince to talk.”
What a waste of time and money.
“The mince in question was first pickled with alcohol for months. Most especially over the recent festive period.
The alcohol was public grade and obtained from the House of Commons bar, well known for the cheap, quality booze available if you’re on the merry-go-round.”
After the alcohol the mince was soaked in liquid narcotics of varying kinds, from LSD, to amphetamines, and finally just stuffed to the gills with magic mushrooms in the hope it would bring a vision back from the afterworld, known as Brexitannia.
“After the application of the chemical compounds we applied electrodes to the mince and pulled the lever down on a generator in the vaults underneath the House of Commons bar.”
This explains why Westminster went dark for an hour this morning, as electricity supplies were interrupted.
“We are pleased to announce that once the electricity began arcing all over the mince it did indeed talk.”
But what did it say?
“It said a dozen noteworthy things, below are some examples,
‘If the facts change, I change my mind, I change my mind more regularly than I change my underwear. No one else is ever allowed to change their mind. It’s called democracy as run by a klepto-chumocracy.”
and,
‘There is no chance of any EU nationals being deported in the advent of a no deal Brexit because by then we will have fostered such a xenophobic atmosphere, with the help of inheritance millionaires who dabble in disaster capitalism, elected to high office, such as yourself, that they will have all left voluntarily anyway.
In fact our main focus will be on forcibly stopping university educated, young British people from following after them.'”
As you can see, it was a pointless exercise, in which nothing was learned, equivalent to the famous champagne gets you drunk fast studies. Oh, and the, what happens to your country if your elected leaders don’t have the balls to fight for the votes of a bunch of emotional nativists.
We condemn this study, not only for the money, but the waste of good narcotics that could certainly have been better used applied to two planks of wood, in order to energise them ahead of an argument with a paper bag.
Nonetheless, the talking mince science show seems likely to continue for sometime yet, so long as the BS Institute are able to continue siphoning money away from austerity stripped public services and into their vanity projects.
If someone offers you the chance of talking to a packet of mince, we advise you to ask for a recipe for political chilli con carne instead.
Otherwise known as a ballot. Good day. Stay cranky.
This has been a public service announcement.