The EU is prepared to take a deep breath and let the UK sulk. To teach it a lesson, it will give the UK exactly what it wants. With strings attached.
“I just want to help him learn about the real world,” the EU told LCD’s Personified Multinational Trading Blocs correspondent. “The sooner the UK grows up and starts behaving like a responsible country the better. I know best, I AM his parent, although goodness knows who his father is.”
So, how will it work?
“Independence means Independence,” said the EU. “So I have put a lock on the outside of his door which is stronger than the lock on the inside.”
“You can’t do this to me” I have rights!” yelled the UK. “I’m allowed out, but you aren’t allowed in!”
“Leave means Leave,” replied the EU. “So you will no longer be permitted to raid the fridge in the middle of the night.”
“I’ll starve myself to death and then you’ll be sorry!”
“Brexit means Brexit,” continued the EU. “So you will no longer be able to rely on me to bail you out of trouble, or pick you up from your friend’s house at 1am.”
“You are ruining my life!”
“Cliff edge means you will not get any more leg-ups or preferential treatment,” the EU persisted. “In practice, this means that the stairs are now out of bounds.”
“Don’t care.”
“Getting your sovereignty back means the UK will receive no more subsidies from me,” said the EU. “No more pocket money. Go out and get a job. And stop whining!”
“I’ll go and live with someone who understands me,” declared the UK. “China, or North Korea, or the USA.”
“And when they get sick of you? Don’t come running back here begging to be let in again. It’s not going to happen! Off you go, and remember, you brought this on yourself.”
“IT’S NOT FAIR!”