One unexpected implication of Brexit is the redundancy of the post of Foreign Secretary. After April 2019, the UK’s borders will be sealed off permanently, rendering contact with the outside world unnecessary. The Foreign Office will close, and the post of Foreign Secretary will be renamed No Foreigners Secretary.
The responsibilities of the postholder will largely comprise of ensuring that the British border is watertight. The No Foreigners Secretary will be in charge of beating the bounds. The PM, whoever it may be, will therefore seek to employ a complete Bounder.
The present incumbent, Boris Johnson, had a crisis of confidence. “What a consternopoly!” he exclaimed. “What a frogwaffling nuisance!” He immediately decided to campaign against Brexit, to keep his job. That is, until he realised that, after April 2019, a complete bounder was required.
“I’m a complete bounder!” he cried, flip-flop-flapdoodling. “And a cad, and a multifantanimous rotter. I’m the man for the job!” Fierce competition is expected from unelected bureaucrat Nigel Farage.
Boris has already started building Britain’s boundary wall. Since supplies of Lego have been banned under the terms of the upcoming Always Buy British Bill, he is constructing it out of stickle bricks.
British seaside holidaymakers will be recruited to help out. They will be instructed to build a wall out of sand using their buckets and spades. The work will only be carried out on sunny days. Because Brexit means that the sun will now shine all day, every day, the work will be finished in no time.
All this will clearly prevent Johnny Foreigner from invading ever again. Britain may seem vulnerable to attacks from above, but this is under control, too. Copious amounts of hot air are already being generated by conceited Brexiters, and the updraught produced is sufficient to repel all aircraft.
So there you have it. Global Warming is caused by Global Britain. You heard it here first.