A man with his own head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push, at least that’s what we think he said.
“It was a little hard to understand what he was saying,” LCD Views’ rectal-cranial analyst advised, “his statement was muffled. But the gist of it was about making the best of the situation.”
Inquiries into how the man came to find himself in such an unusual position were answered readily by his close family.
“One day, while sitting on a Southern train that was paused for three weeks outside of Clapham Junction station, he picked up a discarded Daily Mail to pass the time,” his wife shrugged, “he read it front to back, somehow, and he was never the same again.”
It’s believed that pivotal moment led to an increasing dislike of the European Union with a vicious fury about freedom for bananas.
“I voted remain in the last vote the United Kingdom will ever take,” his wife continued, “I read and saw all the claims of the Leave chancers and anything I didn’t have the immediate knowledge to reject out of hand as bollocks, I simply googled up and found was bollocks.”
The man himself was not so lucky.
“It’s been very strange to watch and quite sad,” the man’s wife continued, “I remember before the referendum he just wanted sovereignty back, you know, to trade with the world.
That seemed a little odd, given all the non-EU goods he buys, but anyway, the sovereignty one is particularly bizarre. I don’t know how he thinks FTA’s are regulated? I’m starting to think I married an idiot.”
But now that the man has his country back things are getting serious.
“When the crown of his head disappeared up his bum I was just impressed he was still so flexible. But now I can’t understand a damn thing he says, unless he farts at the same time and things, well, open up in a gust. You can catch a few words then.”
It seems the big problem now is getting his shoulders in behind his head.
“I really don’t know how he expects anyone to get behind him and push, I mean, it’s just so icky now.
Between you and me, I’m planning on moving out and not coming back unless he manages to get his head out of his backside.
But I’m a little worried only a surgical intervention will succeed and I can’t see him signing up for that now he’s committed to this. He’s pretty stubborn. He may even be slowly suffocating.”
We asked her to let us know how they get on.
“Oh don’t worry, you can find out, he spends all day on Open Britain, pro EU Libdem and Labour pages and Britain For All ranting about remoaners needing to get behind him and push. You’ll know how he’s getting on.”