Calls for increased tariffs on French Brie and Dutch clogs today as reports state the first shipment of potatriotic, British blue passports are stuck in a ten mile truck tail back at Dover.
The hold up occurred after the firm responsible, Franco-Dutch printers, Gelato, refused to pay the 500% tariff imposed on imported paper products by Brexminster.
”The driver of the lorry carrying the passports said he was under orders not to use the ‘express’ customs lane and its smart tariff payment system, as the processing fee added to smart payments by the British based sub-contractor responsible for processing was more than the tariff imposed,” passport specialist Paper Mashe told LCD Views, “which is a shame as the tail back in the express lane is usually only nine miles and not ten.”
It appears the driver turned off his engine and said he would have to wait for clearance from head office.
”But this only increases the cost as G4S, since winning the contract to manage the seamless border, have been actively clamping any vehicle moving slowly enough for their parking enforcement sub-contractors, Balls-Up, to get a clamp on.
It’s understood the clamp won’t be removed until the fine has been paid to Balls-Up’s sub-contractor for collections, Big Harry.
But as Big Harry was last seen drinking with his old flame Krystal late last night at the Fudge n Duck, no one expects him to surface until tomorrow, when they’ve run out of gear and he surfaces to score.
Unfortunately that’s nornally when Krystal slinks away and Harry returns to find the hotel room empty, damaged. This will trigger a five day bender ending in arrest after violent disorder in an off license in Enfield, where he first met Krystal all those years ago.”
So not much hope of getting those passports through Dover in time for the patriotic Brits who have booked for a holiday abroad this month?
”Not unless Scotland relaxes the hard border it recently imposed with England after Boris Johnson wouldn’t shut up about Culloden. They also cancelled all visas issued to English citizens, excepting the Cornish who are in open revolt.”
Will Boris apologise? Will Cornwall lay down their arms?
“Boris never has yet. He’s unsackable, even as the petition calling for his firing now has the signatures of over two billion people world wide. And the Cornish situation has only worsened recently as Jacob Rees-mogg, since seceding with Somerset, has arranged his militia on the border, it’s said with the tacit support of Westminster.”
So you’d advise people to plan on a staycation this year?
”Yes. Just like every year since we regained our independence from what, no one is quite sure anymore.”