Home Office promises crime stats will be slashed by new user pays Robocop police service

Amber Rudd was back in offensive mode as she announced the Home Office’s new user pays police service will slash crime statistics.

”The major problem is not the dramatic cut to front line police officers,” Ms Rudd told a ragged collection of MSM journalists this morning, including our own disheveled crime correspondent, Gary, “the problem is the reporting of crime. This has caused statistics to surge in a way that my department views as almost criminal.”

But she isn’t going to take it anymore.

”We will shortly be releasing a new technological breakthrough in crime reporting prevention,” Ms Rudd beamed, proudly pulling a string to part a curtain behind her, “just look at the force behind me and know fear. Criminals should worry too.”

Gary reports an awe inspiring sight.

”The curtain failed to part fully, leading Ms Rudd to stand increasingly motionless for almost a minute,” he reports, “finally she turned and attempted to physically pull the curtains apart.”

But this also failed. She then gripped one side and tugged forcefully.

”The curtain dropped to the floor in a heap and in the shadows behind a pair of electric eyes ebbed and flowed.”

Next was the sound of numerous motors whirring in the joints of the crime fighting revolution and the machine stepped forward.

What is said should strike fear into the heart’s of statisticians everywhere.

”For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime,” Robocop offered, “have you suffered in a way that brings cuts to policing into stark relief? For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime.”

Amber Rudd beamed proudly.

”I expect with our new user pays crime recording prevention innovation, you will read rather different headlines going forward.”

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