The Storm Shadow cruise missiles used in the Syrian air strikes contain a secret weapon. The warheads contain a highly explosive substance, which the UK has been stockpiling for many years. This substance is highly concentrated consciences of MPs.
Parliamentary debate was once at the heart of the UK’s democracy. Heated arguments, fuelled by beliefs and conscience, would determine and refine policy. No longer. It is as if Parliament itself has been turned over to the private sector, whose only responsibilities are to stay in power and to make as much money as possible.
In exchange for this opportunity, compliant MPs are requested to surrender their consciences. Disappointingly, a majority have opted to do this.
Whistleblower Tess Tifye explained how the whole process works.
“It’s made out to be smoke and mirrors,” said Miss Tifye. “But the reality is quite simple. New MPs are ushered into a dungeon in the Tower of London. They are told that it is an initiation ceremony. Of course, most of them are ex-Public Schoolboys and accept this without question.”
They are then asked a series of leading questions, designed to entrap all but the most wary. An offer is then made, and the MP has to choose between feathering his nest, or a life of honest toil. Deal or No Deal?
“If you choose the former, which most do, then you must surrender your conscience then and there,” Miss Tifye clarified. “The questioner, Sir Nicholas Something or other, has been doing this job for as long as anyone can remember. MPs fondly refer to him as ‘Old Nick’.”
So what does Old Nick do with the consciences?
“He leaves them to mature,” said Miss Tifye. “The longer, the better. The conflict between the MP’s dereliction of duty and sense of right increases over time. They can explode at any time, but they work best when focussed upon a scapegoat. This makes them the perfect warheads for missiles.”
The best part is that the consciences may be used again and again. An MP may request the return of his conscience, of course, but in exchange must surrender what remains of his credibility.