The Foreign Secretary was coming in for renewed criticism today after an audit of the FCO’s accounts revealed the ministry had spent almost half its annual budget already on dealing with Boris Johnson’s giant pants fire.
“We threw everything we had at it,” an aide to the foreign secretary told LCD Views, while stepping out of the office for some fresh air, “most of the furniture. All the files. I even ripped up a few carpet tiles and pressed them to the pants fire, but nothing, nothing can smother it.”
What about the emergency services?
“Oh, the firefighters gave up responding to our calls over a year ago. Heaven help us if the actual building catches fire. It will probably turn into another great fire of London merely because the 999 operators have been told to screen any calls from our post code. This is to stop whole crews standing baffled at Boris lying through his teeth while real people with real emergencies go unaided.”
And now that Mr Johnson’s butt cheek fats have melted and the charred clothing on the exterior has begun acting like a wick, it’s hard to see the fire ever being extinguished?
“Yes. His recent statements about how the ‘meh’ local election results from Thursday are a mandate for hard Brexit are probably what caused the melt.”
Well at least you’ll have office lighting when the Russians use their internet A-bomb, take down our internet infrastructure and the power supplies with it.
“You’d think that would be reassuring, but the office is a sealed environment. I dread to think of the risk to us all if the ventilation systems stop working and Mr Johnson is still talking.”
Oh the humanity?
“A bunch of serial liars so deceitful they’re turning into bum candles in office for eight years? You can certainly say that. Still, the special candle holder we had commissioned to replace his office chair may have blown the budget, but it gives the place a modern look.”
We asked Mr Johnson for a personal statement regarding his candle in the wind position and he replied,
“With my bright, burning buttocks all I have to do now is moon the world to shine a light for Global Britain. Every time I fart you’ll see a flare.”