Baffled British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has divided her most loathed piece of furniture, her cabinet, into the short planks and the nuts which comprise it in order to put it back together again and hope it’s more stable.
”She hates her cabinet,” Downing Street insider, Mr Spoon, told LCD Views during a private tour of the building, “we don’t have long. She has to genuflect before Paul Dacre later. So let’s show you the two piles she’s made before she comes back from praying for divine inspiration.”
We moved swiftly down the corridor, attempting not to notice the rank smell pervading everywhere, and failing.
”Don’t worry about the stench. We need to open some windows and air out.”
Is it the Thames?
”It’s customs union policies. They’re all rotten. And whatever you do don’t open the door marked ‘80% of the U.K.’s economy’. You’ll throw up, which won’t help the atmosphere at all.”
What’s behind that door?
”Oh, the determination to pull the U.K. out of the single market to keep the gammon happy. But lucky for us Jeremy ‘principles’ Corbyn is backing May on that one. If you work out why, given the clear loss of potentially 100,000’s of jobs that entails, please tell me why privately.”
We continued past a hessian sack. It was massive. Big enough to easily fit about twenty people in. And it was moving and writhing and groaning.
What’s in the massive sack? Is that where you’re keeping Boris?
“Don’t be silly. Boris is on top of the nut pile. David Davis is on top of the short planks. The sack is all the civil servants we’re keeping prisoner in the hope of them getting Stockholm Syndrome like the rest of us.”
When does May plan on putting the short planks and the nuts back together?
”She’ll put it off as long as possible. She’s playing for time.”
That’s a commodity she’s fast running out of.
”That’s the key to a successful Brexit. No solutions. A giant crash heard all over the world. Anything less no modern British prime minister in the pocket of asset strippers could possibly sign up to.”
We entered the room where the short planks were stacked and the nuts dumped in a pile.
We were shocked. The leader of the Labour Party was there too, in between the piles.
What’s Jeremy Corbyn doing in between the piles?
”Good bloody question. No one can work it out. But whatever you do don’t ask why Labour allegedly handed all its voter details to Leave EU after Corbyn became leader and before the ref in 2016. His presence here is our glue. Without it we may never get the cabinet to stick back together, or make a success of Brexit.”