Michael Gove has gone back to basics. Scavenging through garbage is a return to being hunter-gatherers, he claims.
LCD Views’ Talking Rubbish correspondent stopped washing and shaving for a few months, donned a filthy duffel coat, borrowed a dog on a string, and went to see the man himself.
“Searching for food is a primal human instinct!” Gove slobbered. “And we all know that supermarkets waste food. Adequate means adequate. Put the two together. It’s a complete no-brainer!”
We suggested, tentatively, that the idea was a particularly brainless one. To our surprise, Gove agreed.
“I discovered the idea while rifling through Jacob Rees-Mogg’s gilt-edged waste parchment basket,” he drooled. “No brain work, but some highly effective recycling! I think you will find that we have very few original ideas, it saves a lot of effort.”
We live in a prosperous first world country, we said. Yet you conjure up images of starving children scouring rubbish dumps for items to eat or sell. Why?
“We will all have to tighten our belts for a short while,” Gove dribbled. “Thirty, fifty or a hundred years, that’s all. You must keep on thinking of the bigger picture. Freedom, sovereignty and a golden future! And we start by searching out nuggets of gold on our own doorsteps. There’s gold in them thar garbage heaps!”
We put it to Gove that simply redistributing surplus food to the hungry would be a more effective way to deal with the problem.
“No, no, no, not at all,” he oozed. “That’s charity, which leaves no room for profit, which is creeping socialism for a creeping Jesus like you, which is very very bad. This way does more for my green credentials!”
You will be suggesting that families send their children up chimneys next!
“Ooh! Thank you!” he slimed. “Note to self: Families can only apply for Universal Credit if they can prove that their children have spent 16 hours a week up a chimney. Lunch?”
The kebab, abandoned last night on top of the dog poo bin, topped with a sprinkling of leaves and seasoned with rainfall, suddenly seemed quite appealing.