The Secretary of State for Working Your Fingers To The Bone has revealed yet another Brexit Dividend. An increased death rate, while naturally regrettable, would take some of the pressure off the beleaguered NHS.
“Cutting Universal Credit for poorer families has to be done,” remarked McVey candidly. “It is the only thing these people understand. Austerity means sink or swim, and we require a certain percentage to sink in order for austerity to produce the desired results.”
Her Department, the Ministry for Work-Shy Idlers, has forced through the changes. McVey is proud of her achievements. “The simplest way to cure poverty is simply to remove poor people from the population,” she explains. “Off the mortal coil, into the food chain, that’s my motto.”
So, work until you drop, them provide a nutritious meal for your family? “That’s right!” she confirms. “We expect Britain to be self-sufficient in gammon by Brexit Day.”
The Ministry also administers retired people. McVey has overall responsibility under her secondary role as Secretary of State for Pillaging Pensions. “It is a given that we are in favour of the small state,” she stated. “State pensions work by stockpiling funds, which could be better applied elsewhere, like on consultancy fees as we sell off the NHS piecemeal. This initiative, which must be successful, will only succeed if there is a drastic reduction in the number of patients requiring treatment.”
Surely McVey is impinging upon the work of the Health Secretary? “No, not at all,” McVey counters. “This is an example of our cross-departmental work, in which I tell the vacuous placeholder at Health how many patients he can afford to treat in the foreseeable future.”
Are you announcing a quota system for the NHS? “In effect, yes I am,” she confirmed. “Certain hospitals have been over-providing for so long that they are in negative equity. This means that they will be forbidden to provide any NHS treatment for several years. The hospitals will be mothballed and the staff unfortunately let go, although consultants will still be able to invoice them for admin fees.”
And if you get ill? “Not my problem. We all have to go some time.”