As disgraced transport operator Virgin Trains distributes an obscene sum in dividends, LCD Views attempted to contact the Transport Secretary for comment. His office gave us the following message: “The Transport Secretary is currently off the rails. Instead, we are operating a Grayling Replacement Service.”
Further investigation revealed that the Grayling replacement service turned up at approximately the right place, although often late. This no-frills service meant that the standards expected of the Grayling, like coherent policies and informed comment, were entirely absent.
Searching for clarity, we spoke to railway analyst Tommy Tank. “The Grayling has been AWOL for far too long,” remarked Tank. “Since his appointment as Transport Secretary in July 2016, he has been in the sidings awaiting an essential upgrade.”
This applies to his previous incarnations as well, claims Tank. For example, he spent his time as Minister of State for Employment on the sick.
Tank, however, had no answer to the dividends paid by an operator who had simultaneously cost the taxpayer £2.3bn, so we tried asking the Grayling replacement service. “Nothing to do with me,” the service said. “There is no loss to taxpayers at this time, and how a private company manages its finances is not up to me.”
But, we argued, therefore the taxpayer should not be expected to bail out a failing franchise? “Privatisation cannot be allowed to fail!” said the service. “Look, are you getting on? Do you want me to take you for a ride, or not?”
Declining the chance to go somewhere we didn’t want to go, we were nonetheless hauled on board. Half of the fellow passengers were ecstatic, the other half wanted to get off but had been strapped in anyway. The driver waved her cycling proficiency certificate proudly, closed her eyes and shouted, “Welcome to the Mystery Tour!”
And off we went, slowly and with many changes of direction, but inexorably towards the buffers…