Rain makes my bone spurs hurt, complains Donald Trump

Donald Trump has much in common with the common man. For example, damp weather makes his joints hurt. This is not an unusual occurrence in a man of 72, but, on this occasion, Trump claimed that rain causing pain in his infamous bone spurs meant he had to cancel a visit to a French cemetery.

As normal with Trump, nothing is quite the way it seems. One Twitter user reminded the POTUS that his bone spurs had healed. “The pain is where they used to be,” Trump tweeted back. “Phantom pain is worse than regular pain. I hurt worser than everybody else. Sad!”

The White House attempted to explain the no-show by asserting that Marine 1, the presidential helicopter, was unable to take off due to bad weather. Melania allegedly confirmed that this is not the first time that Donald couldn’t get it up.

Disgruntled former White House staff have suggested that the real reason for Trump’s absence was vanity. “His hair melts when it comes into contact with water,” said former aide Lou Slipps. “Seriously. He looks like there’s custard on his head. And his fake tan runs when it rains, like mascara when you cry.”

The fact remains that Donald Trump, the president who is unable to handle an umbrella, failed to attend the ceremony. Oddly, he managed to overcome his pain barrier to attend another ceremony 24 hours later, with no complaints. Even more oddly, Vladimir Putin was present at this subsequent event. It seems like Trump dare not snub his boss.

However, President Macron was pleased with the presence of his guest. “Donald eez zis very funny man,” Macron said. “’E told us ‘is life ‘istorie over, ‘ow you say, brunch. My Eenglish eez being not so good, because ‘alf ze time I sought ‘e was talking ze gibberish!”

Donald Trump. Just the man to rain on your parade.

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