£2bn is a small price to pay to avoid an admission of failure, says Philip Hammond

£2bn is being released for no deal Brexit contingencies. It is no longer your choice whether to send this vast sum of money to the EU, or to spend it on the NHS. Your so-called government is spending it to cover up its own failure.

Some will go to replace the EU grants which will be lost. Some to pay for the army to quell riots. Even more will go to border guards, who will ensure that hordes of brown people will be able to leave the UK, but not enter.

“This is not the action of a callous, incompetent government,” claims Chancellor Philip Hammond, somewhat disingenuously. “Contingency planning against a disaster entirely of the government’s creation is prudent in the extreme.”

Hammond denies that his government is irresponsible, stating that to admit that Brexit is a policy doomed to failure, weakening the UK as a nation and reducing its citizens to vassal subjects, is simply not possible. “The £2bn fund is to reassure The People and restore their faith in their glorious leaders,” he said, shiftily.

One or two MPs tried to argue with Hammond. However, they backed down when he suggested that they come round to Number 11 for an Evening With Spreadsheets followed by a session of Death By PowerPoint.

A lone madwoman on College Green, Faye Spalm, was one of the few people daring to voice an opposing view. “This government couldn’t give a toss!” she yelled. Spalm is unable to trace her ancestry back to Bronze Age Britain, hence her identity as a Remainer. “These f&*%ers made a choice!” she screamed. “They are choosing to Brexit despite massive damage to our economy! They are choosing to punish the poor and the unfortunate for being poor and unfortunate! It’s a choice made simply to mollify a few highly vocal f@#*ing idiots! It’s disgusting!”

Hammond ran away, frit, to give the hard-working Magic Money Tree another shake.

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