Britain’s hard of hearing prime minister, Theresa May, has been on a late night Amazon Prime binge after inviting her political opponents around for conciliatory talks.
LCD Views’ online frenzies correspondent was leaked a copy of the digital receipt and provides the scoop of what she bought.
“Ear muffs. Ear plugs. Cotton wool. Blinkers. A big packet of baby wipes? Presumably for cleaning the wax off her fingertips after she removes them from her ears. It’s goes on like this. Oh, and lumber and tools to build a trap door. I can’t think what that’s for? But I’d recommend anyone stopping by for a chat doesn’t stand on a rug.”
Anything else?
“Imodium. Not the branded one. A cheaper knock off available from an online pharmacy. A truly epic amount. Probably a fatal dose if it’s all taken at once.”
Is the Imodium for her callers?
“I suspect it’s for the entire government.”
So what olive branch will she offer her opponents?
“I expect she’ll wait for them to offer her one and then tear it from their hands and beat them with it. Then she’ll put on her biggest power chain and give a press conference and present anything constructive as her own idea.”
Anything else to note?
“Polish. A lot of polish.”
She’s inviting representatives from another EU country around too? She really is trying.”
“No. Polish to shine up the anchor chain she wears around her neck.”
If you can’t blind them with science or baffle them with bullshit…
“Blind them with the light.”
So what will she tell anyone who stops by?
“I reckon she’ll open with, ‘On the 23rd June 2016, the British people decided…”
Sounds like she’s not the only one who’ll be needing the ear plugs.