A notorious con man is being sought today after the attempted sale of London Bridge to any sucker stupid enough to buy it.
The man, described by witnesses as “buffoonish, bouncy, blonde, with a childish sense of entitlement, reckless disregard for truth and the sort of bully who would smash a child over in a game of rugger just for the sweet, sweet taste of it” was spotted Saturday pitching his con to a packed hall in famous kid’s toy factory JCB (they make diggers – batteries included).
”He was very brazen about it,” a witness told LCD Views, “he claimed he could get you any bridge you like. It didn’t have to be Tower Bridge, although he was planning on drawing down his bridge collection and wanted to raise cash in the process. That’s why he was selling Tower Bridge.”
But LCD Views can confirm, after a search of the deeds at Land Registery, that the grand and intricate Tower Bridge (located in central London and often mistaken for London Bridge – because the current London Bridge is a bit meh) that the real owner of Tower Bridge is a Mr Smith, Thornton Heath, who purchased the bridge at a house clearance auction in 1985, and owns it still to this day.
We spoke to the police officer leading the search for the man to learn more.
”What can I tell you?” D.C. Fibbs asked us.
Just get on with it, please.
”Okay dokey. The man is notorious.”
We told everyone that right at the start. What else have you got?
”Well, I don’t got any bridges!”
D.C. Fibbs, this kind of wiffle waffle suggests you don’t have any leads.
”I’ve got one for a dog.”
Anyone spotting the bridge obsessive is advised to stuff their fingers in their ears and run for the nearest ballot box. More on this as it develops.