Home Office to deport everyone in Britain

“I’m just following orders,” Sajid Javid, Temporary Home Office Secretary, told reporters outside the departure lounge at Heathrow terminal 6 this morning, as he announced a bold new initiative from the Home Office.

”It’s Theresa May’s idea,” he added, “when she gave me the job of kicking out anyone she doesn’t like, on whatever spurious grounds we can imagine, she took me by the hand, you can see the scar still, and she looked me in the eyes and she said, Javid, my work is not yet done,

”Amber gave it some wellie, but you need to finish what I started. I actually had a vision in that moment that I was talking to Thanos, but like, a crazy and sadistic version who wants to get rid of not just half the population, but everyone,

”Anyway, I said sure thing, anything to get closer to 10 Downing Street. I’d sell my soul. Ha!”

It’s believed the total deportation policy also has the support of key cabinet ministers, such as the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox.

”Each of the 65m plus people who are set for compassionate removal as fast as possible, will become a brand advocate for Global Britain. It will make my job of getting trade deals agreed by the end of March much easier.”

But what’s the vision for Britain once it is completely cleared of people? A wildlife park?

”Ha! Don’t be silly. We in government kill animals, when we can, it’s great fun,” Sajid smiled, “no, we’re going to assess everyone and let a select few back in one by one to man the giant post box that Global Britain will become.”

And how will the successful applicants be selected?

”All will be compared to a colour chart designed by Ms May and then anyone whose skin matches the desirable part will be let back in. But it won’t be everyone.”

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