In news that most will greet with a shrug, Witheringspoon CEO Tim ‘blows hard’ Martin, has announced that his famous chain of boozers is to relocate to the late 1940’s.
The Witteringon boss has a reputation for out of the box thinking, so far out of the box the box becomes invisible, so it’s no surprise to see him taking a giant leap backwards.
“The 1940’s, particularly the late 1940’s, is a time that most typifies the kind of spirit required to make the most of Brexit,” Champagne Charlie, head of marketing at Woebetidecutlery (the firm that produces Martin’s famous propaganda beer mats told us), “you know, ability to forage in ruins for anything useful that you can sell for scrap to feed the kids that survived the calamity. Fear of foreign invasion lingering in every corner. Foreigners greeted with suspicion, because THAT’S HOW YOU GREET FOREIGNERS. So it’s a natural fit. Bit of blitz spirit is what we need. We survived the blitz, we can survive Brexit.”
You don’t hear people who didn’t survive the blitz saying that.
“So we’ll be moving the pub chain in its entirety back to the late 1940’s. See how you like that Brussels!”
But it’s not just fetishising a conflict no one pushing Brexit was alive to fight in that’s got Martin cock-a-hoop.
“We’ll also be opening pubs in the 1970’s. Especially the bit with the three day week. People had more time to spend down the pub then, a glorious era. And the year of the Queen’s coronation. Rule Britannia all the way to no foreign muck served in our pubs.”
A special line of Union Jack urinal cakes is being commissioned to celebrate the backwards leap to insularity. Customers are sure to greet those with a smile.
“We’ll print salutary messages on them too,” Charlie says, “like, remember more than six shakes is a wank. It’ll be a hoot!”
But we’re not sure Martin has really thought this one through, as with most things since he became a high priest of the Brexit death cult, as he’ll need to check out the tax rates before getting into the time machine.
“Nothing to worry about!” Champagne Charlie reassures, “the worker’s rights back then we have us celebrating with English sparkling wine all the time. But one more thing to be aware of, all customers are requested not to steal the Union Jack urinal cakes. Martin like to piss on them personally.”