Global Britain is set to put on a display worthy of its current direction of travel this week after Downing Street ordered every last pound in the country’s coffers assembled on barges in front of the Palace of Westminster and incinerated as part of preparation for a No Deal Brexit.
“We’ve called it ‘Operation Bonfire of the Insanities’. Once the barge is all bobbing up and down on the Thames we’re going to set fire to it,” aide to human cash incinerator Theresa May told LCD Views, “it’s basically the only policy the cabinet can agree on. And most importantly, it has cross bench support.”
The display is intended to show EU27 countries, and the broader international community, what Global Britain is all about.
“Burn it, burn it! It’s going to be quite the display,” the aide adds, “and while the main purpose is symbolic, it has the added benefit of speeding up the Brexit process. We don’t expect that process to be complete until the country is completely potless.”
But who is going to light the match?
“Well, that’s the only sticking point, so many MPs are so keen to do it, there’s probably going to have to be a hat out of which the lucky name is called.”
This doesn’t sound fair, as it’s a collective responsibility to burn all the cash in the country?
“That’s so sweet,” the aide shakes their head affectionately, “there’s no such thing as collective responsibility currently in UK governance. I expect many MPs will use the distraction of the great fire of blunden to quietly slip away into the shadows.”
And where will the prime minister be as all the money in the UK burns on a Thames barge?
“She’ll be on a tug boat alongside the barge shovelling more money into the fire as it arrives at the exchequer,” the aide said, “oh, and I would guess also any files detailing crimes of Conservative Party MPs.”