The offices of Seaborne Ferries (they don’t seem to have an office, they just have lots of taxpayer cash) were cock-a-hoop today with the announcement that they will be handed an additional £14m of taxpayer’s money to import a new range of edible clothing from the sweatshops of North Korea.
This is an additional measure by the Department of Transport as transport tzar Chris Grayling does his bit to prepare the UK for Brexit.
“It’s genius really,” Mr Takit Enran, VP of Cross-purposes at Seaborne, told us, “I mean, all those years little Kim Jong-un grew up watching the peasants starving, he must have known there was a light bulb moment out there somewhere. He and Grayling are soul brothers. I’m sure of it.”
And there was a light bulb moment waiting.
Reportedly, after watching a starving family strip the last leaves off the last tree in their yard, in their five minute break from singing about how wonderful life is in North Korea now that Donald Trump is Kim’s bitch, Kim felt inspiration strike, when he saw them tearing up strips of their shirt and stirring it into the pot.
“Imagine the scene, mid-winter, halfway up a mountain on a government controlled slogan farm, somewhere in Berkshire, the snow is piled up, your family is hungry, but you’ve greedily woofed down the last bowl of proper British noodles, delivered by some terrified cadets a week ago. What next to eat? Well, your clothes are made of cotton and cotton is a plant and plants are edible…”
Now Brits can benefit from Global Britain’s trade negotiating might, even before we’ve left the struggling corner shop of the EU.
“There’s a range of flavours to choose from. Ham and pineapple Hawaiian shirts. Mushroom flavoured socks. Woollen hats that are made from actual lamb residue. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone makes their fortune out of this contract.”
So rest assured, as we move forward onto the sunlight uplands, you will have a choice previously only reserved for citizens of a totalitarian state which sees your suffering serving a higher purpose.
“Do I die of exposure or starvation?” Mr Enran asks, “exposure is faster, but…Calais to Dover is jammed…I better eat the shirt off my back before someone else does!”