Who wants to be a millionaire? May to pay voters £1m each to back her Brexit in a ‘People’s Vote’

LCD Views can report today on rumours flooding out of Downing Street that PM TM is preparing to hack the last of the magic money tree to the ground, then tear up and shred its roots, to secure support for her Brexit from rank and file voters.

“Who wants to be a millionaire?” Mr Scat Pants, aide to the PM, asked us during an unscheduled call to our radio station (we don’t have a radio station).

Wait, who is interviewing who?

“I don’t know, we didn’t plan to call you, we just suddenly found ourselves here doing it, just as you planned to do something else.”

We want to be a millionaire then, does that help?

“It will if you are prepared to back Theresa May when she puts her Brexit deal to the country later this year.”

Wait, does that mean she’s going to have to ask for an extension to Article 50 in order to hold a ‘People’s Vote’?

“Well, she’s a complete control freak, do you really think she’s going to lead (ha) the country into a no deal Brexit situation?”

She talks like she is.

“She says whatever she thinks will get her through another twenty four hours in office. Straight out of the old Cameron playbook. But a no deal Brexit is the most unmanageable situation to be in. A control freak will not willingly put themselves into that.”

So all we have to do is tick the box next to May’s deal when we go into the voting booth later this year? And we’ll instantly be a millionaire?

“Yes. A representative of the treasury will be on hand to cut you a cheque there and then. And what’s more, it’s completely equitable, even if you’re already a millionaire you’ll still get paid to vote for her deal.”

That’s caring Conservatism in action for you. What will I do with all that money?

“Well, the cheque will be redeemable for thirty extremely large pieces of silver. You’ll have to queue at the Bank of England for that.”

No problem. Then what?

“I’d suggest you buy a loaf of bread.”

And a speed boat!

“No. Just a loaf of bread.”

Why just a loaf of bread?

“Because by the time the Brexiters have finished with the pound, that’s all a million will get you. But you’ll still get to say you’re a millionaire, so there’s nothing at all to fear.”

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