Government clarifies deportation rules with simple colour chart

Her Majesty’s Government has moved to bring clarity to the difficult field of deportation rules today by the introduction of a simple colour chart for officials considering who to kick out of the U.K.

”We don’t want to be seen as arbitrary,” Mr A. R. Acist, aide to Prime Minister Theresa May (think of him as her conscience) told LCD Views ‘Where is my country?’ correspondent,

“so Ms May personally doodled up a chart with her own coloured pens after misunderstanding an episode of ‘Family Guy’. She then had it laminated and given to officials to use as a guide THAT MUST BE ADHERED TO AT ALL TIMES, or the official will themselves be deported.”

Under the new guidelines anyone not white will be removed from the U.K. as soon as possible.

”It’s so Theresa can sleep better at night.”

The removals will take place with as little fanfare as possible.

”There are plans to further code the white sections of the chart with the country names of EU27 nations.”

People will also be encouraged to deport themselves and be offered cash incentives to do so.

”That means they can keep some of their cash when removing themselves, rather than pay it all to the Home Office failing in their fight against their deportation.”

Isn’t there a concern the policy of getting rid of anyone who UKIP voters don’t like may make the U.K. seem a less friendly place?

”Officials are just following orders.”

Ah, like Theresa May?

”Yes. A mixture of 19th century ghosts and the devil himself tell her exactly what to do. It really is just black and white, the deportation rules, I mean.”

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