Calais bans UK’s weapon of mass infrastructdestruction – “If he touches anything here! It will instantly turn to merde!”

Note to start – as Grayling is banned from travelling to Calais, we had to write what would happen if he did.

The French government declared a state of national emergency today after the Mr Bean of transport, Chris Grayling visited Calais.

“Instantly nothing worked anymore,” Mayor of Calais, Jean Luc de Mayor, told LCD Views, “it was like the touch of death to our infrastructure.”

It seems the incident occurred after Mr Grayling defied a direct order from the mayor banning him from even stepping foot in the vitally important transport hub.

”We’ve seen his work. His work is famous,” Jean Luc de Mayor told us, “you have a system you want broken you call Mister Grayling and viola! The whole show is kaput!”

Awareness of Mr Grayling’s form lead the mayor to issue the dictat preventing his presence at his port, but alas, it was no good.

”I knew he would plague my house, sacré bleu! So I did what I could. Had I known he would mistake the ban for an invitation I would have demanded the French Foreign Legion siege Dover to stop that buffoon from evening getting on his floating bus.”

Quite how order will be restored to Calais is anyone’s guess, with the focus of the French authorities now on finding and apprehending Mr Grayling before he moves deeper into the French network.

”Pizza ferry bus replacement pizza services at Calais are indeed a catastrophe,” The French Interior minister commented, “but what if Mr Grayling should happen to make contact with one of our nuclear power stations? Kapow! It will be a cheeseburger delivery service and our lights will go out.”

Whether or not Mr Grayling will succeed in reducing French infrastructure to the SNAFU of the UK’s only time will tell, but it’s just possible that in the depths of Downing Street tonight Theresa May is feeling she’s struck a blow against the EU by deploying one of the U.K.’s biggest weapons to France.

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