Chinese New Year Boriscopes

Cripes, only our inscrutable Chinky (What?! Rowan will defend me!) chums would have their New Year in the middle of February! Here goes!

Rat (1924, 1936 etc.): Rats get a bad press. Actually, they are very useful, and with Brexit on the horizon, I predict that Rats will thrive. To the sewers!

Ox (1925, 1937 etc.): Conversely, a bad year for Oxen. You are doomed to be beasts of burden after the petrol runs out, and when you fall down they will eat you. To the slaughterhouse!

Tiger (1926, erm, well you get the idea): Tigers are good economists, and will happily eat uneconomic wasters. Kill or be killed. You’re grrrreat! To the jungle!

Rabbit (work the rest out for yourselves): Run, Rabbit Run! You don’t stand a chance of escaping from the starving masses who are dismayed to find the shelves at Lidl empty. To the burrow!

Dragon (yada yada yada): You are the most natural Brexiters of all. You hoard gold and leave a trail of destruction everywhere. I’m a Dragon, of course. Huzzah! To the Houses of Parliament!

Snake (hips): In the grass, or around the Tree of Knowledge, you are a natural politician. To the Flying Circus!

Horse (voice): Get to work, you boring creature. You are just like the Ox, only with more hair. So yucky that only the French would eat you. To the stable!

Goat (get one): Awkward buggers, probably Remoaners. And your cheese is vile. To the mountains!

Monkey (business): Wise, or not wise? Even an infinite number of you couldn’t come up with my autobiography. To the editing suite!

Rooster (booster): Cock of the walk, the early bird, and voted for Christmas. You’re stuffed. To the table!

Dog (tired): Phew, almost done, so I can trouser another £240,000. Noisy, loyal and obedient, you are the ideal minor parliamentarian. To the backbenches!

Pig (out): Snout in the trough, wallowing in filth, and uniquely tasty. Banned by Jews and Muslims, and typical gammon. To the Question Time audience!

Govey just told me it’s the year of the Flying Pig.

Nuff said. Mega lolzz!!!

Pass the Bolly!

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