UK set to trade on WTF rules

The UK is set to crash and burn. It is leaving the EU asap without a safety net. WTO rules have been proposed, even though this would leave the UK on a footing with the most bendy banana-y of banana republics. The only answer is to trade on WTF rules.

So what are WTF rules, and how do they work?

Trade expert Selma Wrights gave LCD Views the inside track.

“It’s simple,” said Wrights. “Every time a politician or commentator makes a statement, simply reply ‘WTF!’. Technological solution? WTF! Alternative arrangements? WTF! Jobs first? WTF!”

It would work in parliament too, says Wrights. My honourable friend… WTF! Let me be entirely clear… WTF! We will deliver on the result of the referendum… WTF! WTF! WTF!

You get the picture.

Unfortunately, the UK is in this situation because of a schoolboy prank gone horribly wrong. Imagine being a very posh fly on the wall of the Lower Fourth common room at Eton. Michael Gove is listening intently to Alex “Call me Boris” Johnson…

“I’ve got another wizard wheeze, Pob!”

“Yippee! What is it this time, Alex?”

“Boris. It’s Boris.”

“Sorry, Alex. I mean, sorry, Boris. What’s the plan?”

“We insist that the Lower Fourth breaks away and sets its own fees and selects its own boys and hires its own masters!”

“Nobody would take it seriously.”

“Cameron would! The nancy boy Greek master who lives in a shed.”

“So, what will we do?”

“Keep him talking nonsense all lesson so he doesn’t start droning on about Virgil again. Squiffy, Bumfluff and Pongo will help out as usual.”

“Then what?”

“Get reported I expect, then six of the best from the headmaster, followed by getting pissed on Squiffy’s vodka and a wank-off in the dorm.”

“The usual, then.”

“The usual.”

Unfortunately for the protagonists, Cameron bought it, put it to the vote and lost, then scarpered. WTF!

LCD Views is at pains to point out that other Brexits are available. WHO rules has already been discussed on this page. Animal lovers (and, oddly enough, wrestlers) are keen on a WWF Brexit, and Tony Blair advocates WMD. WTF?!

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