The Devil himself was said to be “livid” and “beside himself with rage” today after hearing that leading proponents of Brexit will be coming to stay for all eternity.
”That guy who made the toothbrush moustache infamous isn’t too chuffed either,” our supernatural affairs correspondent says, “he’s going to have to share his room forever with the likes of Nigel Farage and Dan Hannan. Still, what are the odds of two guys with one ball each become room mates forever? Pretty long I’d say!”
It seems the addition of the Brexiters to Hell isn’t exactly a surprise, but something the Devil hadn’t considered when he signed his WA from Paradise with God.
”The Devil was in the detail,” our correspondent says, “or he wasn’t in the detail. He doesn’t really do it. This tends to store up problems for the future that should really have been foreseen before signing the contract. But having to put up with Boris Johnson and Rees-mogg forever? It’s enough to make you shiver, in spite of the insufferable heat.”
Responding to the news, delivered earlier today at a press conference by Donald Tusk, the Devil is believed to be seeking a renegotiation of his treaty with God.
”He wants the agreement reopened and the inclusion of a time limit, or a legal trigger that allows him to terminate Hell at a time of his choosing.”
God is believed to be willing to talk about changing the agreement regarding Hell, but only if the Devil can actually come up with an alternative solution that serves exactly the same purpose of roasting Brexiters for their sins forever.
”It’s not going to happen, if eternity has a time limit, then it’s not really eternity now, is it.”
Eternity means eternity.