Downing Street is wearing a hard hat, a hi viz vest and in a mood for some mega destruction today with a new scheme to prove to the bullies in Brussels that Brits are ready for a No Deal Brexit.
“We’re going to start systematically smashing everything up,” Mr Ian Pyrite (MP for Dark Money on Interests) told LCD Views, “we in the ERG feel it’s important to show the world that the chosen people of Global Britain can take anything we can throw at ourselves. That’s what Blitzing Britain for Brexit is all about.”
As part of the new initiative teams of angry pineapple vest kippers will start roaming the streets of Britain breaking whatever they like with complete impunity.
“You wait until you see Merkel’s face when she sees what we can do to ourselves and there’s nothing she can do about it,” Mr Pyrite said, “we’ve even a mind to have the RAF drop high explosives on the Palace of Westminster and St Paul’s cathedral. That’ll really wipe the smirk off Macron’s mug.”
The police will be under orders not to intervene in the destruction and even join in if they feel like it.
“Imagine coming home for the last time from the job you’ve just lost, a lost job in no way connected to Brexit, to find the windows in your home smashed, a big hole in the roof and your furniture on fire?” the ERG MP asks, “what will you do? You’ll find a pot in the rubble of your kitchen, piss into it and boil up a cup of tea on the fire. Europe doesn’t know what we’re made off.”
But the initiative, which has tentative backing from the Labour front bench, has come in for some criticism all the same.
“Labour would urge the government to only smash up “a” part of the UK, like the financial services and automotive sectors,” Keen Harmer MP said, his eyes retreating further into his skull each day as he tells himself the lie of Brexit is worth living for a reason he can no longer recall, “and as soon as the massive self harm project is complete we demand a GE so we can sweep to power over the smouldering ashes.”
Be ready Britain to show the world your blitz spirit, maybe even kick in your own front door and set fire to your own cat, just to show Junker you ain’t gonna take it!