EU asks Chris Grayling to organise Theresa May’s travel arrangements

EU officials, weary of Theresa May’s weekly exercise in futility, have appealed for help. They have specifically requested that the UK’s travel supremo, Chris Grayling, to organise future visits.

Grayling, as you might expect, is full of misplaced pride and optimism. “I’m definitely the man for the job!” he gloated. “Look at my record. I inherited a road network operating at capacity, underfunded railways, and some boats and stuff. In each case, I have made a massive impact!”

The EU is also looking at Grayling’s record. “It speaks for itself,” claimed EU bEUreaucrat Axel Spreadsheet. “We need a man of his calibre on the job. A man who awards ferry contracts to a shell company with no boats is perfect for our needs!”

May has already publicly given Grayling her vote of confidence. Or, more accurately, she has once again failed to sack him.

Annoying realists have questioned the decision. “Don’t forget, this man awarded huge contracts to a company approaching the cliff-edge of bankruptcy,” warned saboteur Mona Lott. “He couldn’t organise a sleepover in the House of Lords.”

The suspicion remains that the wily operators in Brussels are tired of hosting Theresa May, just to inform her that No More Negotiations means No More Negotiations. “Delighted that the UK has taken back control of the PM’s travel arrangements,” tweeted Donald Tusk. “We look forward to constructive discussions in the future! #Failing Grayling”

Grayling disclosed that discussions are in an advanced state. “Next week, Mrs May will travel to Europe in traditional British fashion!” he promised. “A patriotic lorry driver will convey her along the M20 to Dover. She will then transfer to the railway for the short hop to Ramsgate – I believe the line is still open – for the ferry. The passage of the English Channel will be provided by Seaborne Freight.”

Thanet Council, in common with many others, has been forced into cuts by government spending reviews. Ramsgate Harbour will lose its funding and its suitability for ferry services. Looks like instead of ro-ro ferries there will be row-row-row your boats.

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