Boat-free ferry sinks

The no-deal deal for the no-ferries ferry company  has been scrapped by the no-plan planners. The idea has become no idea, and the proposal that was floated has been sunk.

There is a beautiful irony in that the body that pulled the plug was its Irish backer. No backstop, no deal.

This ought to be a severe embarrassment for the government. However, the Prime Minister herself has denied this. “Let me be very clear on this point,” she grated. “This government does not do embarrassment.”

It is yet another triumph of idiocy over any kind of common sense or practical consideration. The Minister for Bare-Faced Incompetence, Chris “Insert Joke Here” Grayling, remains proudly in post.

“The EU is sabotaging our preparations,” wittered Grayling, over a strong drink and a stronger cigarette in his local Contemptible Club. “Ireland is still in the EU, isn’t it? Anyway, they have dumped us in the shit big time again, so that’s another £14m they aren’t getting their hands on!”

Grayling reveals his alternative plan. “The EU have declared war on our sovereignty and Imperial delusions,” he declared. “So in the same way, I will evoke the Blitz Spirit and the Dunkirk Spirit, in the expectation that plucky Brits will always muddle through somehow.”

Grayling waddled off to the bar for a refill of Dutch Courage.

Our fearless investigative journalists attempted to track down anyone who claims to work for Seaborne Freight, the company that never was that became famous for not existing, and now never will exist. We located its head office in a run-down terraced house in Ramsgate. The house’s sole occupant was an old, deranged man, sitting in a bath, rocking back and forth and playing with a rubber duck.

By coincidence, government cuts mean that Ramsgate Harbour will not reopen any time soon.

You could argue that this is all a storm in a teacup, or Brexit in microcosm. Whatever floats your boat.

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