Nigel Farage, the most successful failure in the United Kingdom, has launched a fresh initiative. He is calling for a Brexit of the English language. If successful, this means that all words which can be traced back to Europe will be removed from the language with immediate effect.
Farage is calling the project “Ingerlish language for Ingerlish people”. LCD’s Bad Language correspondent paid a visit to the man who put the ‘moron’ into ‘oxymoron’.
“This is all part of my Brexit Party project,” he claimed. “Ingerlish means Ingerlish! The Jerries and the Frogs can just hop off, so I can buy untipped full strength cigarettes and Watney’s Bitter again.”
So it’s all about nostalgia for your lost youth?
“Yes. No! No. Yes! Ermmm…” he waffled, decisively. “The point is, we in Ingerland have had just about enough of those poncy continental Johnnies poking their carefully trimmed noses into our business. We want to strip back the language to its essential Ingerlishness!”
That might be difficult, given that the English language has a rich heritage, with influences from many European sources.
“We intend to start with technical language,” said Farage. “All that hypotenuse and Yersina Pestis rubbish. Nobody uses that except experts, and experts will be banned too. We will then strip it back to the original Celtic. Communication may be difficult for a time, but it will be worth it. We want our language back!”
Basically Farage is saying we will all be talking Welsh after Brexit. So we met up with an expert on Welsh, before he is banned for all eternity.
“Welsh is a wonderful language, boyo,” said the Welsh expert, Dai Llaffyng. “But it also has its roots on the continent, see? You go back, now, before the birth of Christ, and the whole of Europe is speaking Celtic languages, isn’t it, you know? Iechyd da to you!”
So it looks like Brexiters will be reduced to communicating via grunts, with the occasional surviving Indian loan word, dating from the days of the Raj, thrown in for good measure.
To conclude, our response to Farage is simply this: Mmmph… Unngghh… Blurrrgg… Verandah…