Dramatic scenes at the House of Commons theme park yesterday afternoon after fire marshals evacuated the ancient, combustible building when the pants of a woman playing the role of a senior politician suddenly caught fire in the middle of a staged managed shouting party.
“They have shouting parties all the time here,” HoC fire marshal Mr Smook Witoot told LCD Views, “it’s to show how the UK used to be run. Well, they do other things too for the visitors to learn from, like fill in expense claims (those are real) or take long holidays (they’re real too).”
The shouting parties themselves were a traditional way of settling differences of opinion in the creaking building amongst the various warring clans that claimed to rule the building, and thus the country.
“I don’t actually know what the future is for the theme park, apparently the building is unsafe, much like the decisions that used to be made here, but…” Mr Witoot shrugged,
“I just try and stop the staff burning the place down. Some of the actors that attend the shouting parties are so thick you wouldn’t trust them with a box of matches, they’d be liable to set their own hair on fire. Still, tourists love posing in front of the place, that’s its real value.”
But who was the woman whose pants caught fire?
“Oh, some terrified old duck who works for a series of overseas vested interests full time and here part time. She plays the role of prime minister. She doesn’t do it very well. I think they should re-cast her.”
But why did her pants catch fire?
“She was supposed to be giving a memorised speech to exemplify lying in public office from a position of legal impunity I think. She was so realistic her bloomers started to smoke and then they just combusted. Given what a shite actor she is I think she actually forgot her lines and said something from her real life, and that’s how it started.”