It’s about bloody time too! For too long the price of steak has been sky high!
LCD Views would like to be the first to applaud the work of the Secretary of State for Lowering Food Standards (and the rest) Doctor Liam Fox after a leaked report detailed the details of the conditions he’s expected to agree to in order to secure a post Brexit FTA with the USA.
Pink slime, that mega efficient way to get all the protein, hormones and antibiotics any person needs is to be classified as steak, because a single digit percentage of the contents was once placed in a room near a field with a cow.
“It’s amazing what food scientists can do,” our food analyst, Mr A Nal Syst comments, “apparently the team that invented pink slime was actually working on how to use beef as a weapon of mass destruction, and they succeeded!”
Other exciting changes to standards coming our way involve chicken.
Chicken. The boring old hen first introduced to the UK by the Romans. It’s getting a long needed makeover.
“No more than 52% of any poultry by-product can’t be a tumour, benign or malignant,” Mr Syst says, glancing through the leaked report, “that’s some mean concession little Liam has secured. And the lip, ass-hole and intestinal tract component of any chicken themed food product will be capped at 98%. That means we are guaranteed of a base level for actual meat. Wrap your laughing gear around that Brussels!”
But what about the concerns on the UK’s farmers with convoys of US container ships heaving with pink sludge and chicken cancer steaming our way?
“I recall an interview with Owen Paterson, that genius of international trade and agriculture, some time back on Radio4, that stalwart of what was once journalism, who said they’ll just have to focus on selling a high quality cut of British beef to China. Job done. Dust off your hands. Pop a cork.”
Get ready to turn to cannibalism Britons! At least that way you’ll be reassured what you’re eating is actually meat!