Theresa May plotting to replace her Cabinet with a walking talking chest of drawers

Disruption in the Cabinet is coming to a head. The utter imbecility of pursuing Brexit as a policy is finally taking its toll on sentient ministers. The situation will take more unravelling than a ball of wool after a group of kittens has been let loose on it.

These ministers, who allegedly include Rudd, Gauke, Hammond, Clark, Mundell and Grieve, have finally decided they want nothing more to do with the Brexit shitshow.

Theresa May, as is her wont, is taking it on the chin. Keep Calm And Carry On Ignoring The Facts is her mantra. She is planning to replace her Cabinet with something Stronger and Stabler by going for the technological solution: a chest of drawers that can walk and talk.

There are historical precedents for this course of action. Margaret Thatcher created a Cabinet out of dead sheep, Caligula made his horse a senator, and Donald Trump appointed a clothes-horse to be his daughter.

There is one striking difference. Thatcher, Caligula and Trump were/are all batshit crazy. May is instead stuck in an iterative loop, in which this question is asked repeatedly: “Is Brexit ready yet?”. The eternal reply is “Computer says no”.

May, typically, is planning to construct the techno-chest of drawers herself, using the enormous number of pairs of short planks lying around in Parliament.

Woodwork expert Morty Sand-Tenon had doubts about May’s carpentry skills. “She has never displayed any aptitude for practical matters,” said Sand-Tenon. “Creating a piece of quality furniture is a job for a craftsman, not a deluded incompetent working with inferior materials and blunt tools.”

Members of the ERG (Extra-thick Redwood Group) are unhappy. Members, who include Andrew Bridge-Table and Jacob Fleece-Rugg, are pressing May to endorse innovative improvements to the chest of drawers. This technology, which is so cutting-edge that it doesn’t yet exist, would give the chest speech and mobility functions, which would enable it to carry out basic governmental tasks.

Although the best use of the chest of drawers would be to put a sock in it.

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