The government announced today that in its wisdom it’s found a solution to the Northern Ireland hard border problem, after consulting professional smugglers.
“The first thing to understand is no one saw any of these thorny issues coming,” a spokesman for Downing Street didn’t advise LCD Views,
“it would have been helpful if people in Ireland had raised potential problems earlier, rather than the President of Ireland, telling us the entire country was behind Brexit and go for it, only to now start raising concerns days before our exit from the EU.”
It’s believed a complete radio silence on the border issue from across the Irish Sea has led to this abrupt spanner in the Brexit works.
“Nonetheless, we’ve got every other No Deal Brexit related problem ironed flat so we can turn our full energies and brains onto the problem created by the Irish.”
Something for which the Irish are expected to be grateful, as with all gifts from England.
“Clearly it’s impossible to stay in the customs union for Northern Ireland, as the backstop doesn’t suit the ERG. We would advise the Republic comes out too, as that solves the problem right there. Failing that, we will be building a wall to support a new customs arrangement across the border. But it will be mirrored so no one can see it’s there, just their reflection as they cross the border,
“We don’t want people’s livelihoods to be interrupted, especially not tax dodgers. Brexit is about making a living easier and increasing rights and liberties of externally influenced, largely useful idiot MPs in Westminster, to more easily funnel taxpayer’s money into offshore accounts,
“So to achieve this, but keep the bloody Irish happy, we have consulted professional smugglers on the best way passed, under, over or around a customs border, whatever its hardness.”
Once the learning of this engagement has been distilled into a slogan it will be printed out and handed to every citizen either side of the border, on, before or after the 29th March 2019.
“In essence, in order to fulfil the mandate handed down on that stone tablet from almighty God every Irishman and woman and child is going to become a smuggler. That’s what the professional smugglers we consulted advised, purely altruistically. We can’t see any harm resulting from forcing these new opportunities on people stuck in the outdated ways of EU membership,
“Let’s all the Irish get behind this solution and make a success of Brexit. There’s good chaps.”
People living in both Northern Ireland and the Republic are asked to speak up sooner the next time they decide to generate problems when Ms May, the ERG and the Lexiters are only trying to improve their lives with no thought of the personal cost.