“Chris Grayling hybridised with an ass,” Doctor Clarity, of the Institute for Clarity in Boston, Northamptonshire, explained to LCD Views today in a scoop, “that’s the UK’s spirit animal. It neatly explains why we’re currently so f*cked.”
But we thought it was Chris Grayling hybridised with a turtle and stuck on a fencepost? This is a shock. But thanks for the scoop.
“Now, that’s a natural mistake,” the doctor consoled (he’s got a great bedside manner), “but you’re thinking of the leader of the opposition. Although in time, when the history is written after the hysteria, how he got up that fencepost will be explained by the hands that put him on top of it.”
But can we change our national spirit animal? We can’t go on like this. Chris Grayling has gotten into everything.
“Well, the spirit animal is in part a reflection of inner character,” the doctor illuminated, “and people can, with sufficient willpower, change their inner character and thus their choices.”
And that will change the spirit animal?
“Yes of course. But we want to be quick about it. I don’t see much hope of the Tory Party changing its spirit animal from Medusa in a tax haven. And Labour? Well…it’s a shame. They’re likely to replace the turtle on the fencepost with a horse inspecting it’s own mouth forever. So it’s going to have to be a real push on a national level.”
How long have we got?
“Until the Article 50 notification period runs out. If we crash out of the EU then our spirit animal changes all of its own.”
“Nigel Farage as the backside of a rabbit going headfirst into a set of headlights on a semi-trailer being driven by Donald Trump. And nobody wants to become that.”