The government has decided to create a new Department for Spaffing Money Up The Wall. This formalises government policy since, well, forever. Downing Street has put two bona fide spaffing experts in charge.
Chris Grayling has got off to a flying start. The ferry company with no ferries and articles of association copied from a pizza outlet story simply won’t sail into the sunset. Genuine ferry companies are lining up to help out in a No Deal Brexit situation for as long as No Deal remains an option. Empty vessel Grayling is spaffing money on empty vessels held on standby, for a potentially infinite period. Or until the incompetent cowards in Parliament pull their fingers out of their collective arses and force No Deal off the table.
An extension to Article 50 would lead to more delay, and spaffing even more money on ships that are not doing any shipping. The UK has become an empty vessel state.
Meanwhile Boris Johnson, a man who is never afraid to spaff, is complaining about spending money on justice for The People. “The government is spaffing £60m on unfortunate historic spaffing incidents,” ejaculated Johnson. “Two wrongs don’t make a right. This money could have been spaffed on the NRA, sorry, I mean invested in the NHS, instead. Spaffing needs to be done the right way, and I’m the man on the job!”
Johnson paid compliments to his co-leader at the DfSMUTW. “I truly admire Chris Grayling,” he dribbled. “Now here is a man who could spaff £60m just by turning up to work!”
LCD Views was unable to ascertain whether Grayling had ever, in fact, managed to turn up to work. We have heard unconfirmed rumours that a bald man with a bemused expression and a ministerial case has been spotted wandering around in a variety of locations in south-eastern England.
Rest assured that the country’s finances are in safe hands. It’s money well spent.