LCD Views can report today that the big prime ministerial eraser is being brought out of storage once again as the deadline for participating in EU elections looms.
“It tastes of fudge it does,” an aide to the PM told us, “the eraser, big bloody thing, can you give us a help lifting it. Don’t lick it. You get a taste of the fudge flavour and you’ll find yourself having another taste. It’s political cocaine. It’s very habit forming. Don’t try and line up the little fragments that come off when it’s used and use a rolled up twenty to snort them either. You do it once and you’ll never stop. DO NOT LICK THE RUBBER. OMG.”
Sorry.
But why is it ever tucked away in the first place? It gets used so often you think it’d be kept in a 10 Downing Street desk drawer.
“Beats me. I just work here,” the aide informed, “All I know is that we have to get out of the EU before they hold elections. The tyrannical superstate will force us to have a vote! So their elected parliament isn’t at risk of being illegally constituted. How undemocratic is that? People voting? Having a say in the future of the massive bloc of half a billion people? That will, through sheer force of gravity alone, determine our trajectory if we leave it? We can’t have that,
“The people of the UK have already spoken, years ago, when everything was different to now and they knew a lot less. But once is quite enough. In Global Britain the citizens do not vote. Let people keep voting and it could become habit forming.”
But we don’t have to take part in the EU elections even if we legislate by the 12th of April to do so. Apparently May can just cancel our participation up to 24 hours before. So she can both erase another of her red lines and still have a handful of fudge to throw to her party. Cynical. Duplicitous. But possible.
“Here, you said you were a reporter?”
I am. Fictional. But yes.
“Talking like that you sound like a Downing Street advisor.”