A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after planning time with his nanny.
“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances,
“It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs. Some of them are supposed to be on my side! But then they rushed me and gave me a constitutional wedgie!”
Apparently the cavemen aren’t going away anytime soon either. And there are thousands of them roaming the streets close to the man’s home without their betters’ permission! It’s very much his worst nightmare.
“Uncontrolled poor people. Tories who aren’t suddenly slavishly serving tax havens!”
It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.
“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers,
“You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is not a fair dealer. Accident of birth worked out very fair for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”
So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man has to go to his safe place.
“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.”
Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before the man and his chums have finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica!
”I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”
The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.
“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too? Don’t worry about all the bigger boys you and Boris bizarrely kicked out of your club. They’re only extremely wealthy egomaniacs, they’ll just take it lying down. Like you did when you got the wedgie.”
And then the man began to sob uncontrollably again.