Famous cutlery mangler Uri Geller has apologised to Julian Assange, after a psychic attempt to stop Brexit by bending the spoons inside Theresa May’s head led to Julian Assange’s arrest.
“I am very sorry,” Mr Geller posted across social media platforms, “it appears I bent the wrong spoon inside Theresa May’s head. I was attempting to bend the Brexit spoon, but instead bent the Julian Assange one.”
The miss targeting of the psychic smart bomb had immediate impact.
“I felt the change in the force and I paled,” Mr Geller went on, “in my mind’s eye, and in several other peoples’ eyes, I saw Theresa May immediately pick up her phone and call Mr Javid at the Home Office. It was in that moment I knew I had made a grievous error. She was supposed to reach for her quill and paper and write to Donald Tusk.”
While the accident has grave ramifications for Mr Assange, who now faces the danger of having the face the Swedish sexual assault accusations that people who support him mostly forget to mention, just like they forget to mention how the lives of democracy advocates in many oppressive regimes were placed in danger by the unredacted Wikileaks dump, while also glossing over the Wikileaks dump that arguably interfered badly in the US presidential campaign and helped Donald Trump into the White House, while also not bothering to wonder why suspected Russian asset (just reprinting what is said you understand, not alleging anything) Nigel Farage visited Assange in his hold out at the Ecuadorian Embassy and then immediately claimed to have forgotten why, a catalogue that is complicated by the exposing of atrocities by American troops, because like many horrible and complex situations, there is a difficult blurring of clearly wrong behaviour exposed over to dubious and clearly wrong rights, all in the same subject, and the modern world isn’t capable of discussing complex issues without screaming at each other immediately, the staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy are presumably more than a little relieved.
“I’ll try again,” Mr Geller added, “to stop Brexit. Maybe it’s the already mangled spoon inside Ms May’s head I need to be targeting to stop Brexit? Or maybe it’s inside Mr Corbyn’s head where the answer lies? When I find out you’ll know.”
In the meantime people who are concerned about things suddenly going wrong in their lives are advised to wrap both their heads, and their cutlery, in tin foil. Just to be on the safe side.