Boris “Pinocchio” Johnson has finally come to the end of the (by)-line at The Telegraph. Witnesses describe the scene where Johnson, in an editorial meeting, managed to stab the paper’s editor with his telescopically expanding nose.
Our mole at The Telegraph takes up the story.
“It was an astonishing sight,” says the mole, codenamed ‘Adrian’. “The editor asked him what the thrust of his article was, and Boris said it was about The People being desperate for a No Deal Brexit at any cost. At his point, Boris’ nose started to grow longer, and longer, and longer at an alarming rate. The editor was unable to get out of the way in time, and ended up impaled on Johnson’s proboscis.”
At this point, Boris panicked. “Oh, my dear fellow, I’m most terribly sorry!” he said. “I didn’t mean to do that!” But the nose just kept on growing.
“Your readers will love my piece, they can’t get enough Boris!” he continued. But the nose just kept on growing.
“Don’t worry, I will soon sort this out!” he stuttered. But the nose just kept on growing.
Fortunately, at this point the door burst open. A stunningly attractive woman, hearing the commotion, came in to find out what was going on. “What the Jiminy Cricket is happening in here?” she yelled.
“Hey Gorgeous!” cried Boris. Immediately the nose began to shrink, releasing the bewildered editor, who sank into his blood-spattered chair.
“I believe in miracles, you sexy thing,” crooned Boris, turning his full attention to the woman. “If you think my nose is impressive, just wait until you see my …” But he stopped, as his nose was growing again.
The woman took two steps forward, grabbed the nose and snapped it in two. “Ow!” exclaimed Boris.
“Collect your P45 on the way out, Mr Johnson,” she said, tossing the fragments of nose onto the floor.
Rumour has it that Boris Johnson is actually in possession of a rather bendy banana.