Rumours are circulating within Downing Street that the prime minister Theresa May is terrified of Home Secretary Sajid Javid finding out that Vote Leave Broke The Law.
This follows Javid’s assertion that he could, in different circumstances, have been involved in knife crime. Instead, he has become embroiled in the biggest con the Cons have ever attempted.
Javid, it seems, is the-lights-are-on-but-there’s-nobody-Home Secretary in this respect. He still believes that Brexit is awfully lawful. And May wants things to stay that way. Ignorance is bliss, is the message coming from Number Ten. It never did Chris Grayling any harm.
LCD Views managed to speak to one of Downing Street’s Maybot programmers to get inside her AI chip.
“Her fear subroutine has been triggered,” said spokesgeek Ethan Ett-Cable. “This made her act irrationally. Her processors went into overdrive. This meant she had to make an emergency stop on the way to her Welsh holiday to download some dump files.”
Surely walking in the Welsh mountains is enough to calm anyone down?
“Yeah, but this is the Maybot,” remarked Ett-Cable. “She needs a factory reset. Fortunately Philip May knows which buttons to press.”
Meanwhile, Javid remained bullish. “Knife crime is very naughty indeed,” he explained to a group of hardened thugs in gangland. “I’m from Rochdale, so I know all about this sort of thing. We must be tough on knives, and tough on the causes of knives. To this end, I am proud to announce that, as a direct consequence of Brexit, all remaining knife factories in the UK will close down.”
This caused a ripple of interest in the room. Misinterpreting it as enthusiasm, Javid plunged on.
“We need more police and more prisons, to stop the problem after it has happened,” he claimed. “There is a fantastic opportunity for volunteer knife vigilantes to step up, and solve the problem we created when we slashed vital funding.”
The ripple was of genuine interest this time, as members of the audience saw themselves running the streets.
“We must fight knives with knives!” Javid concluded, to enormous acclaim.
You can take the boy out of Rochdale, but you can’t take Rochdale out of the boy.
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/15/sajid-javid-i-could-have-had-a-life-of-crime