Fears that the cold hand of a dead premiership will be latched onto Downing Street for years to come today after PM Theresa ‘Maybe Maynot Maybot’ May declared she’s still staying to deliver Brexit, essentially declaring herself PM forever.
“And there’s not a god damn thing you can do about it,” the PM is believed to have told a meeting of the 1922 committee early this morning, “try as the completely rabid and derelict membership might.”
The meeting was an impromptu one held on the side of a cliff edge in Wales, where Ms May is holidaying over the Easter break, with senior members of the committee clinging to an uneven rock face like mountain goats.
It’s presumed Ms May hoped more than one would fall off, which given the advancing age of her party was highly probable.
”I’m here till October 31st,” May added, “because there’s Buckley’s chance of getting a deal through that salvages anything from the wreckage. This is because Corbyn wants wreckage to build a new world order on, bordered by England and powered by complete state control (got to leave the EU) to smash the temples of the moneylenders. I just want to stay in office. During October I will be applying for another extension to Article 50. And you just see if there’s enough of you left alive in December to do anything about me.”
She is believed then to have spent the rest of the meeting dragging herself lamely about repeating just one word, ‘brains’, a facility her government seems to be completely without.
We turned to our expert Doctor of politics for comment.
”The government is suffering from a condition known as Rigor Maytis,” Doctor Politics diagnosed, “it begins as a syndrome known as lame duckitis, and worsens from there. If it wasn’t for the fixed term parliament act making general elections harder to call, we probably would have cured ourselves by now.”
And whose idea was the fixed term parliament act again?
”David Cameron. The fffing muppet.”